I hope you liked it, and if you see translation errors let me know.
I have been a little absent but I will return to the previous rhythm.
a kiss❤ and good night❤❤, I hope you like it ❤⋆❤
Ch 12
POV Amanda:
I was shocked as my ass jerked up and down like a hammer in a rude loop.
Nervously I try to stop that embarrassing loop, but instinctively tapping the screen as usual I don't get the expected result, repeating the gesture over and over again expecting different results. "Fuck¡¡ the nails" I scream frustrated without moderating my language, it was being a horrible day, I felt like the most wretched woman in the world, or so I thought while watching a horrible version of me smiling wiggling her naked hips.
I finally stop the GIF, and write to whoever sent it to me.
Amanda/⋆Sadie♠: Who are you? Delete that right now.
I was so scared while waiting for his reply that for 10 minutes I don't look away from the screen when I see him log on. I wanted to, but when I do I feel like an itch in my brain that doesn't stop until my eyes go back to the screen, I was just thinking about that GIF and how the person on the other end might have malicious thoughts towards me, maybe their wanted to blackmail me, or worse and just wanted to see me beg before posting pictures and videos from last night.
A. Lewis: Are you still drunk? What a good life with no worries sis.
Amanda is surprised and looks at the conversation, where she wrote she put Sadie and where Sara wrote she put her initial and last name. Maybe it was part of Sara's game.
⋆Sadie♠: Sara? Is that you? What is this application and why do I get your nickname?
A. Lewis: sorry LOL, it was a total screw up on my part. It's called discord and I use it to hang out. I thought maybe you didn't feel like having me in contact, you know pinged calls and shit, we could relate, the bitch and the saint, shit would flow, you know big brother watches, well what am I going to tell you, you do conspiracies don't you?
⋆Sadie♠: I don't do conspiracies, I just give real information.
A. Lewis: ya ya ya (:wink:), well what the fuck was I telling you if..., how I was bored while you were wiggling your ass in Ronald's face, by the way Ronald has written me, he says what a great ass my sister has, he wants to explore it more closely, I send you his phone number? You saw him, he's a sweetheart and he's hot (:smirk:).
⋆Sadie♠: Nooo and I wasn't wiggling anything in his face. That was... just for the tattoo, he doesn't interest me *I write nervously while I listen to her as she rambles on without giving me the comfort of knowing what this was all about. Sara seemed to have compromising images of me from last night, surely she would even have videos, which made me have cold sweat running down my body as I imagined myself in Sara's hands. "She would want to blackmail me? " for a second I think what could she want putting me in the worst "maybe it was all for this, she wants money, shares of the company, revenge for me being lucky, force me to serve her or..." a knot forms in my stomach " And if she wants to steal my life and yesterday was a rehearsal, she could try to threaten me with publishing everything" I feel my heart and stomach twist before those absurd thoughts, "no one could do that" I think while that idea goes round my head remembering yesterday's events*.
A. Lewis: what a disappointment poor guy, it was love at first sight (:shock: and :peach:), LOL, well, what I was saying, while you were wiggling your ass in his face I did it to talk to you, but fuck, you took forever and I was bored, so I thought I'd log into my account and look at some groups I follow, after which I ran out of battery, shitty really (:poop:)
⋆Sadie♠: ahh thanks for your effort but I don't think I need this... and please can you delete the pics, video and everything from yesterday please. *I say trying to keep my composure, I had to convince her to bury everything from last night*.
A. Lewis: shit, don't you like it? Or is it that you already want to kick your low class sister's ass?
⋆Sadie♠: no it's not that, it's... I don't think I fit in your world, I'm not like that, last night wasn't me.
A. Lewis: fit in? That's bullshit, stop fucking around, you lying bitch, you know it's just that you're afraid to be seen together. Yesterday you didn't look disjointed, I saw you having fun on the dance floor with that huge dildo pounding your pussy, you didn't look embarrassed at all.
⋆Sadie♠: that wasn't my normal self, I don't know what came over me. It must have been the alcohol* my heart was pounding reading her words, they were so raw and aggressive it was like she was yelling at me in front of me ridiculing me, I felt like I was short of breath as I wanted to get away from it all remembering how I acted last night*.
A. Lewis: and shit it wasn't you, I don't remember anyone forcing you to act like that, it doesn't bother me that you acted like a whore, I am one, mom got me into that world since I was little, and as a big sister it makes me very happy to see my little sister fuck the poster imitating her sister, and especially to see how you enjoyed it.
I see how a little video of me appears naked dancing hugging the pole, awkwardly moving my hips while smiling and you could see some bills falling to the ground around me. I looked off beat but at the same time so sexy, I blush watching the show.
A. Lewis: don't lie and say you didn't enjoy it, that smirk is not a lie, you are going to tell me you were happier in your office, I remember you came to me crying, they were tears of joy....
⋆Sadie♠: I didn't enjoy it, I did it for you, and please erase all that. *I have a hard time typing, it takes me 10 minutes to type it correctly. While I feel my panties getting wet at what I saw, it was one thing to remember it and quite another to see how everyone saw me, those careless movements, without rhythm like a dizzy duck just wiggling its ass trying to provoke desperate for some attention "is that really how I looked? Why did I look so happy while acting like a total trash" I thought, not knowing that the drugs had been the cause of all that explosion of happiness and excitement on the dance floor. I just knew that I looked incredibly happy and that imagining myself so degraded, while exposing myself to others generated some kind of reaction that I had never felt until recently, a feeling that seemed addictive and told me I needed to repress*.
A. Lewis: well if you made such a huge sacrifice for me, to be willing to strip naked, dance in front of everyone and look like a shameless slut that even I was embarrassed. You don't mind if we talk, do you? Or I'm going to have to think that my little sister did it for her, because she likes to do embarrassing things to show off.
⋆Sadie♠: okay, but erase all that. *without an exit I answer, it didn't seem that Sara would take no for an answer, against her I always felt so helpless*.
A. Lewis: it will be hard, the club uploaded it this morning along with other shows LOL. http//xxx....
⋆Sadie♠: what do you mean, how can I delete it?
I wait 10 minutes while I look at my cell phone, Sara had the green circle "I was watching it, why isn't it answering?" I thought anguished while I look at the screen and tired of waiting I take out my computer and enter the web address that Sara gives me. I had to know what had been uploaded.
---
POV Catherine
After the meeting it had been a truly satisfying time, everyone seemed happy, especially me, I had finally proved that I wasn't just a pretty face carrying Amanda's folder and serving coffees.
The executives after Amanda left had been joking about what had happened, laughing at silly Amy. Although I didn't like to criticize anyone the truth was that Amy had been a complete disaster, almost destroying the effort of so many weeks of planning by the whole team, just as she was cutting off the flow of my presentation, tainting my performance, giving a lousy image of professionalism "Amy is a stupid, incompetent secretary". So I finally decided to join in the banter and integrate into the group.
After half an hour of sharing tasks and jokes about "Amy the straw brain", a name that made everyone laugh, I left with the task of coordinating departments, compiling their data and making sure "Amy the scarecrow" did what she was supposed to do.
Happy I carefully open Amanda's office door after knocking on the door a couple of times. Hearing no response I walk in to drop off the documents and see how Amanda was watching something on the computer in deep concentration while her headphones were blocking her ears.
Catherine: Mrs. Lewis? *I repeat several times before leaving the folder with the notes of the meeting on the table, she looked very concentrated, but after approaching I see her startled out of her trance.
Amanda: what... what's wrong? *she says accelerated, closing the computer quickly as if she didn't want me to see what she was doing, not that I care, although I was starting to be curious "what doesn't she want me to see?
Catherine: nothing Mrs. Lewis, I'm just bringing you the reports of what we talked about in the meeting.
Amanda: perfect yes, leave it there, I'll see it later. *she says with a shaky voice as if she's embarrassed about something, "surely she's embarrassed about her lousy performance earlier" I say to myself while I can't help but smile in my heart*.
Catherine: do you want me to summarize it for you?
Amanda: ok, if that's ok* I start to tell her what each executive proposed and how we had distributed the tasks, obviously I cut all the mocking comments towards her, but while I talk explaining everything I notice that she doesn't listen to me, she seemed uncomfortable, more focused on looking at her cell phone as if she was waiting for a call than on what I was saying, hearing from her a simple "aha" or "yes".
Annoyed because she didn't seem to care about anything I said after saving her ass, I abbreviate the details and decide to leave. In spite of his nefarious work today I was not going to lower my personal level of demand, I had to continue to put all my efforts to stand out and that as today my professionalism and competence was seen. Although honestly the way I was ignored by Amanda frustrated me, it seemed that despite my work I was still an egocentric who only thought about herself.
Sighing after closing the door and out of Amanda's sight I stomp my heel to the floor along with a muffled scream and head to my desk in front of me where I see Hector analyzing her.
Hector: how's it going, everything okay with Amanda? You did great at the meeting I didn't know Amanda had such a capable secretary, you're really wasted here *says with a big bright smile that had more than one in the office going crazy*.
Catherine: thank you, but I don't think Mrs. Lewis is going to promote me, or give me more responsibility, she ignores my work. *I say letting myself be carried away by the moment*.
Héctor: ohh *she says extending it while you can see a predatory gleam in her beautiful green eyes*, well keep working like this and you will see how even if she doesn't want to, she and everyone will recognize your merits, Mr. Tanaka has already seen what you are worth. Well I have to go, if you can I would like you to inform me of what Amanda is doing, it worries me, lately she is not herself. I hope to hear from you soon Catherine and good job, your ideas before in the meeting were fresh, you had a quick and creative mind, I hope you will be in the next meeting.
I nod as I watch him leave, I knew that what he wanted was to use me as a spy, what a cliché, an Eastern European descendant who plays a spy, but the truth is that the idea appealed to me, Hector recognized my work and seemed more willing to give me opportunities, besides Mrs. Lewis was not her, now she seemed more like an Amy, why should I sacrifice myself without reward? As an added incentive, after only one meeting he knew my name, while Amanda after several months only called me Catherine once and because I told her to.
I think of the opportunities as I sit in my chair.
---
POV Amanda 10 minutes earlier.
Amanda: but what? *I say looking at the page, I knew that sex sells but I had never been on a website of this style, it was totally obscene as soon as I entered I was greeted by a fiery woman in her 20's wearing nothing but a skimpy thong while caressing her huge breasts sensually flaunting them with a sort of halo of pride, which made me feel a little self-conscious of my cute B cups, I loved them, I didn't need more but....
By the time it loads everything looks worse, the girl started to move hypnotically while my eyes can't stop looking, I felt so self-conscious in front of this woman "why did I feel like that? I have nothing to envy her" but the truth I envied the confidence she seemed to have, surely hundreds of men looked at her every day. I had been raised to be a confident, strong woman but since I was a little girl my parents raised me with the idea of fearing to expose my body, since those who do it are whores. However yesterday I did it and I couldn't help but feel something totally different, "that's why these women did it?".
My mind flies until I realize what I was thinking and scroll down to focus on finding my video. The web had thousands of videos, so many that although I filtered by upload date there were hundreds, I never imagined that porn was in such demand, its chain was famous for being quite conservative, so I had never delved into these issues but to see the amount of videos uploaded in just 24 hours a person would take a month without a break to see it all.
Scrolling down I can't help but see several tabs all were from different strip clubs, mostly in the image were women with huge breasts, which made me feel even more ridiculous "there are no real women" I wanted to scream, they seemed from a world so different from mine, until I didn't enter it I didn't notice that my breasts were at best average or maybe below.
After 10 minutes of exhaustive searching I find a title that catches my eyes "Sadie the princess gone wild" I hit it and feel my heart stop as I see myself walking towards the pole "that was me?". I couldn't believe it was me, I looked nothing like the dozens of times I saw myself on TV when I went to a red carpet, I looked awkward drunk as I move from side to side unglamorously in absolutely skimpy clothes. It was so embarrassing but my eyes couldn't take away from what I was seeing, I looked absolutely "hot".
But only after 30 seconds the video stops.
Amanda: What's wrong, is there a problem? Wait, do you have to register to continue watching it? *I had never entered one of these websites before, let alone thought about registering, but my heart was beating fast and I wanted to see more. Finally I sedate to my impulses and I enter to register, otherwise it wouldn't let me see the comments of other users, I wanted to know what they thought of me, and if they recognized me*.
It was not very difficult to register but I kept thinking that now I was a porn consumer, if someone hacks this site could find out that I see this and ruin my life. Still anxious I accepted it all and continued watching the video between embarrassment and excitement, I truly looked happy doing so many obscene acts. I was red in the face seeing everything I had done.
It was not an elegant dance or full of technique but my eyes do not look away from the shaking of my ass, while I was rubbing against the pole with a smile from ear to ear, I see how I grab my small and firm breasts showing them off to the public as if it were a prize and I feel an exciting embarrassment to hear some laughter and dirty comments mocking my breasts, which the me in the video happily ignores, as well as when I put my hands on my skin caressing my soft velvet skin with desire, taking me back to that moment while I heard the screams of those men desirous of my body. Without realizing it I had watched the video 8 times and was about to watch it a ninth, when I felt a presence and quickly closed the computer while my heart was about to explode and I felt a wet heat between my legs.
It was Katy or rather Catherine now. I don't think I saw anything, I think so, but still it was uncomfortable to be in front of her now, having made a fool of myself earlier in front of her and the whole directive.
As I listen to her I begin to appreciate that it was the first time I noticed her confidence and fluency while talking to me, in the past her voice seemed more timid and muffled,when she was in front of me, even stammering when I confronted her and scolded her for not meeting 100% of my expectations. Perhaps seeing me weak and dumb before, made her fear of me diminish. It was a pain in the ass, a leader's position depends on the fear and respect your subordinates have for you.
Still a bit sleepy I didn't pay much attention to his explanations, I would look at the papers later, from what she said it didn't seem urgent and this morning they seemed to have been able to do everything without me. So I check my cell phone exalted, my heart accelerating every time I feel it vibrates "agg no answer" I say to myself again and again while I am unable to attend Catherine being nothing more than background sound while my mind thinks about Sara.
As she talks I repeat this loop over and over until she leaves making me feel relieved. And now that I wasn't impatient I write to my sister. It was weird to call her that, I always considered myself an only child, and now to feel that I had a sister, one just like me, but so different at the same time.
⋆Sadie♠: Sara! Answer me, I've seen the video, don't hide, I want you to delete it.
I write nervously expressing my anger so she won't play with me, this had to end.
A.Lewis: I'm sorry sis, I had been talking to my boss. And I got distracted having a chat with my boyfriend in bed (:smirk:) so I forgot about you(:pray:).
"That bitch had been having sex while I was waiting for her" I think furious, at the same time I felt bad that I was forgotten, I'm the one who forgot about others not them about me.
⋆Sadie♠: I don't care what you were doing and who you fuck, you have to answer if I write you, it's something important, not some idiocy of yours.
I write furiously letting myself go, I can't stay in a subservient role.
A.Lewis: ohh watch your language sis, this is not the ghetto you grew up in. Here people have manners so you must ask for things please or no one will respect you. So if you want me to talk to you you better apologize.
I read it and turn red embarrassed, seriously she was talking to me about manners? She who spits more than a flame with tialism. I feel my heart racing faster but I can't seder, or she would win again.
⋆Sadie♠: cut the crap and tell me, I'm a busy woman full of responsibility.
A.Lewis: you're not the only one if you're going to disrespect me bye bye, I'm too busy studying for you to talk to me like that.
I see how she disconnects and I nervously write to her to apologize.
⋆Sadie♠: I'm sorry, tell me.
Tell me how to delete it
Please delete it, that video can really damage my reputation.
I write again and again apology messages and finally seeing how she ignores them I call her back
Sara: what do you want, I'm studying, I don't have much time and I have to take advantage of it.
Amanda: I'm sorry, I'm sorry I bothered you with my words, I never had a sister and I took your jokes badly.
Sara: hehehe I understand, I have never had one either and it's hard for me, that's why it bothered me that you talked to me wrong, you are going to be a good little sister.
Amanda: yeah, but could you stop calling me little sister.
Sara: no, you are so cute and innocent, you look so helpless that when I see you I feel the duty to protect you from the fucking jackals of the world who only abuse girls like you.
Listening to her I felt embarrassed as she described me as a fragile little girl who needed to be helped. I had never thought of myself that way, I had always seen myself as a strong woman capable of facing problems in order to progress in life, I paved the way in my life. But her words seemed to have a weight on me, and I am not able to refute her as I hear her. In part it was logical that she saw me this way, for her I was a spoiled woman who did not have her difficulties and on the other hand my performance in front of everyone yesterday and today was not what a woman who called herself strong should have, I appeared in front of her crying, not knowing what to do, and I had not been able to show leadership being she the one who controlled me at will. In a way it made me feel good to be treated differently, I had always been under pressure to be perfect, I had to be strong, not to depend on anyone, Sara in her own way seemed to care about me, to want to lighten my load. Maybe next to her I could show my weakness, she was my sister.
Amanda: I guess you just want to help me. But you could make the video disappear* I say a little calmer*.
Sara: I'm glad you understand, I only care about you, it's my duty as a big sister, and about the video, I'm sorry, according to my boss it has received so many views and comments that he doesn't plan to take it down, I tried to convince him but don't worry, you don't appear in it.
I feel nervous as if the world was falling down on me, I was about to have another anxiety attack, it was almost hard to breathe, when she says she can't take it down but that nervousness quickly turns into doubt.
Amanda: What do you mean I don't show up? it's me, I'm the one you see moving my curves like a stripper.
Sara: no, in that video it's just me, who would believe that a rich business woman would dance in a sleazy strip club. See how you saw those disgusting cheap clothes, that's me, so don't worry about my reputation, I already told you yesterday since you wore my clothes you were me, so you will take the consequences, we are sisters and that's what you are there for right?
I stay quiet for almost a minute, "would she really do that for me?" I had charged her and she was willing to be the one to swallow the consequences. I was always told that if I did something wrong I should accept the consequences, I have a public life and as such I should act accordingly with exemplarity but this time I didn't act that way and the consequences were too great, I had been afraid to face them. I had never had this before, a sister to protect me and help me, without judging my actions, I can't help but feel my chest warm up to her love.
Amanda: thank you, I'm sorry, I'm sorry I treated you badly or thought you wanted to use me, if you need anything, anything at all, just tell me.
Sara: no need, we are sisters, although I can't promise not to ask for your help at some point, but don't worry, I will never hurt your image.
I feel more relaxed, before her attitude, spending some time talking, she asked me what I thought about her performance yesterday, how I felt in her shoes, what I discovered about her being her for a night, she even made fun of my dancing style, giving me some advice, which embarrass me, I don't plan to do it again, although listening to her I can't avoid feeling butterflies in my stomach thinking about everything again, she was so free, at the same time her way of talking stirred something in my guts.
Amanda: Why are you talking like that? It will be difficult for you to enter that professional world you say with such a street language.
Sara: hahaha, what am I going to do bitch I grew up in them and if you spoke sweetly without imposing you were treated like shit, besides it's very useful when you're full of shit and you want to shit that shit on someone else fucking him up. You should try it, it will leave you super relaxed.
I feel uneasy listening to her and imagining myself talking like her, on one hand I found it so exciting, a lady raised to relate in the highest circles of society talking without rules, cursing, it was so hot.
I try to get my thoughts away from there by changing the subject but Sara didn't seem to want to, making me feel hot. And by the time she seems to relent she hangs up on me as she claimed to be busy, making me feel a small emptiness as I return to the silence of my office, which is immediately broken by the vibration of my cell phone.
A.Lewis: we can keep talking over here, I'm busy as a plumber in an elephant bath but for my little sister I can always cum some time.
A.Lewis: Ahh, I have an idea hehehe, since we have our names changed I could practice my cultured language madame, as long as her ladyship is ok with it, on the other hand you as a stripper should give that slum sewer stink to your tongue, it will be fun this little twin role play.
I read it and a part of me doesn't want to, it would be giving up even more control to Sara, but inside me was slowly growing a feeling of complicity with her. Also something in me tingles at the thought of it, and somewhat naughtily I decide to accept "it'll just be a game".
⋆Sadie♠: pussy, I'm cumming from the illusion.
A.Lewis: what a vulgar little sister, no wonder you're a brainless stripper hehehe, you should try it, you know how to talk like a lady.
I see how she takes a little longer than before to write, while my heart was racing with this little game.
During the rest of the afternoon I spent it reading projects and feasibility balances, leaving them as soon as I feel the mobile vibrating, making me lose the rhythm of what I was doing, but I could not hold the curiosity and excitement of the conversation, I had never had a friend to do this with.
After a lively if unproductive afternoon I leave where my driver is waiting to take me to my doctor's appointment. Sitting down I read the last message from my sister.
A.Lewis: I have to leave for a while, I have a meeting with the board of directors, to discuss the company's stock price. I don't want to bore you.
Without realizing I smiled at her message and answered.
⋆Sadie♠: What the fuck is that? Whatever it is you sure make fucking amounts of money, I now have to go to the club to shake my ass for a deposit on the cash thong, then shake that ass and get some of your money for your little sister.
I laugh after putting it on, I had never talked like that before, but it was so liberating, I hadn't been able to help but feel a little excited and revved up every time I texted him, it was like it really wasn't me.
A.Lewis: perfection (:kissing_heart:)
After that message I lay back on the seat relaxing as I pondered. “What should I do?” “Why do I feel so submissive when I'm with my sister?” “Is this what I really want?” “Why do I feel so good, when I know it is something so bad, I have everything but for some reason thinking about yesterday, thinking about being relegated to the background, losing control, acting like a silly and indecent stripper makes me get excited” there are so many unknowns in my heart, I had to get to the psychologist quickly and help me understand, now it would be difficult to get Sara out of my life, but he must know some way to solve what makes me feel, what is happening to me must be a serious disorder.
Several reflections later I arrive at the psychologist's office, where when I arrive I see the latin secretary with tattoos from the other time, who greets me politely. "That was me, I am Amanda Lewis, a successful businesswoman, an example for many feminist women, a woman who commands respect, who can have anything she wants, and if I come to the psychologist it is only so that I can go back to who I was, to solve this bad patch at work.
Secretary: Mrs. Lewis, you can go in, the doctor has just left alone.
I stand up straightening my skirt, chin up in pride and back straight. I had to go back to being who I am.
Doctor McGregor: hello Amanda it's been a long time, I was surprised to hear from you, you've been missing for two weeks, I thought you stopped needing me as well as the hypnosis, I guess if you're back it's because as I told you your memories made their way through with a rebound effect. Why don't you sit down and tell me about it.
I nod and gently sit down and stare at the doctor and he looks at me in the same way, analyzing me, "I am the client, I am in charge" I say to myself as I feel his strong and mature presence, achieved after having great self-confidence and knowing so many problems and having been able to solve them.
I stay quiet for a few seconds ordering what to tell him, I knew I should be honest, but it is difficult to tell what happened last night to another person, even less when it could be the end of my life as I know it.
McGregor: relax and sort out your thoughts, remember that everything you say is confidential *he says as if he knows what I'm thinking about* how about if I make you some tea, I'm sure it will relax you *he starts to prepare it in front of me at the same time he talks to me* you know tea is fantastic for therapy, it gives a more familiar atmosphere, as if we were friends, it helps patients to open up more* he smiles at me while I think that I don't know what that is, I had never had friends, the only times I had tea or coffee were social events, student work and on a date, I didn't know what a chat between friends was. That's when this afternoon's conversation with Sara comes to my mind, "it was inconsequential, fun, maybe it was a friendly conversation" I think while my legs move a little restless at the same time that I blush just thinking about her and everything that means*.
Amanda: thanks, but I don't need friends, just therapy, work out whatever is wrong with me.
McGregor: fine whatever* smiles as he looks at my nails as well as my unkempt hair (wig)* you seem to have undergone a lot of changes since last time. So why don't you tell me what happened since the last time you came.
I take a breath to relax my nerves and start telling how everything had been going well after I stopped going to therapy, I felt like I was back to being my usual self, until yesterday everything fell apart, I told her about the meeting, the anxiety attack and how I went into the bathroom, how I felt. It was harder than I expected but at the same time liberating, in the process I drink a cup of tea to sort out my thoughts and emotions.
McGregor: so the hypnosis started to unravel and you went into shock as you felt overwhelmed by everything you had repressed, I understand. *He is silent for a few seconds while he drinks tea* after that how did you cope? You could have called me I usually take care of my patients by phone when they have an emergency.
Amanda: I didn't know what to do, I felt short of breath, that I failed everyone, that I was useless, and guilty for burying my past *I say reliving that moment, I didn't dare to talk about what I did afterwards, maybe I could solve this just with the root, what happened afterwards was the cause*.
McGregor: okay *sips another sip of tea* I think I understand your problem, there is no one way to approach it, but I assure you there are no magic solutions, you saw what happened with hypnosis, it worked well for a while but it only hid the problem. As I see it from what you have told me, you could come to therapy for a while until you solve your problem but it will be a long process, another way would be to have a vacation, delegate to your workers, you have a lot of stress that will help but it would be like lowering the temperature of the water in a pot by pouring cold water instead of turning it off. Lastly, and this is the most drastic, do you really want to work in your father's company? I've been listening to you for a while, you talk about him a lot, you talk about your responsibility, that you were failing others. You could find a CEO for the company, live off its profits, do something you love, something that is yours.
I freeze up looking at him, " give up my company? The company I was raised to run? Doing something I really loved? " My mind thinks of ten thousand things until the video of the club where he was smiling with happiness flashes through my head, " what did I love? Who am I without the company? Would I end up like Sara dancing in a club?" My mind slips between horror, anguish, doubt, excitement....
Amanda: no, I can't.
McGregor: I knew you'd say that, it's hard to leave everything behind, so since you're not willing to pull out the roots because we can't the leaves to make a nice bonsai *smiles, he seemed to truly enjoy his work, “I looked like that sometime while working?” *First why don't you start by telling me what it is you're hiding from me.
I am surprised by her words, she was an executive who mastered the art of hiding my thoughts to get deals, "how had he known I was hiding information from him?" Somehow I become suspicious, at the impossibility of thinking he could have seen through my lies.
McGregor: don't be surprised, it's many years working as a psychologist, and I've always been good at reading people, it was obvious that when you told me there were things you were hiding from me. Besides, after an anxiety attack like that, it is impossible for you to go back to work, and with your friends' refusal, as well as the fact that your mother is far away, the normal thing would have been to call me but you didn't, so tell me, what did you do?
I was surprised, I never imagined that I was so obvious, I had always considered that I was pretty good at this, being able to make anyone think about what I wanted, but I guess I am also a fraud in this.
Resigned I start to tell everything, at first it's hard for me but soon I start to relive it, from when I saw Sara to when I left the meeting after being relegated to a simple secretary.
McGregor: ohh interesting, I never imagined something so big, it seems you have surprises honey *she says smiling* how did it feel to dance in front of all those men? And dressing like your sister? Was it similar to when you played secretary for your secretary?
I nod with a blush.
Amanda: embarrassed, I didn't want to I... I don't know what's wrong with me doctor.
McGregor: don't worry* he looks you up and down* and everything would be better if you didn't lie to me, your body language says that you do like me. You know I have a theory, although it might be embarrassing and make you want to leave. * She pours herself another cup of tea and hands me another one.
Amanda: whatever, if it gets me back to my normal self.
McGregor: I don't know if it will help you get back to your old self but I'm sure it won't hurt, it will probably help you get back to your old self.
He stared at him in attendance.
McGregor: very well, as I told you some time ago you have survivor syndrome, you think you don't deserve what you have after escaping by chance from the life your sister has had to live, that seems to have generated that in your mind you think you deserve to submit, like a self sabotage, don't feel bad it is very common among people of high power status. If you had low self-esteem a good measure would be to raise it but as that does not seem to be the case, we should study your case, see its characteristic features to help you.
Amanda: There is nothing I can do? Fuck
I cover my mouth while the doctor looks at me, how embarrassing, I had cursed in public like Amanda.
McGregor: I didn't say that, many people who suffer from similar disorders look for escape valves, something that makes you feel shame and submission but without exposing yourself to real risks, whether through dominatrix, role play, or even self-humiliation.
We look at each other and continue talking for another quarter of an hour and agree on a date next week.
Once at my house I can't help but think of everything the doctor said, “I loved to be humiliated, subdued?" I think about all the events, as well as what that video made me feel and it is true that they all had those elements “I love to be humiliated and subdued, by people of lower rank than me” I say to myself and deny “no, impossible”.
I refuse, and get up to eat a plate of salmon with clam sauce with asparagus that my cook, my driver's wife, had made.
As I eat I can't help but keep thinking about everything. Eating I imagine my life without money, cooking (something I had never done before) for my maid, cleaning the house with a ridiculous uniform, like the one I bought her to show my class superiority, while I imagine her living my life, criticizing me, yelling at me, kicking my ass, while she calls me fat ass, and I curse under my breath.
Soon I stop eating, I felt a tickle in my stomach that prevented me from continuing. I get up feeling wetness between my legs, and I go to the bathroom to take a long shower with cold water after which with a bathrobe I dry myself on the bed thinking "what's wrong with me, what should I do?
Minutes later I get up and undress in front of the mirror to put on one of my silk nightgowns. But the image in front of me invades me, my hair bleached, my pubis shaved and with a vulgar tattoo in Chinese letters. I look at myself and think of Sara, how much we look alike, in her words "while you are wearing my clothes you are Sadie" Sara is a stripper, strippers go naked, you could consider that I was now Sadie. I look in the full length mirror and see my inner slut, no one looking at me would think I was Amanda, I caress my body and remember the words of the rude men at the club. I wiggle my hips until I see my surroundings "I am not Sadie, I am Amanda Lewis, this is not my life, it's just a disorder, weird fetish, whatever you want to call it, but I am Amanda a woman destined for the top". I say to myself after which I put on my silk nightgown and get into bed to go back to work tomorrow.
After an hour in bed I can not sleep my heart beats too fast, in my mind I keep seeing degrading images that do not allow me to relax my mind.
Without holding any more I get up and grab my computer to work, or so I tell myself since only 15 minutes later I was on the web that Sara told me to read if my video had new comments, I read how strangers praised and mocked me equally, calling me whore, candy, slut, meat.... While praising my ass.
As I watched the video I felt my stomach tingling grow, as well as my desire, at the same time my stress and worries disappeared, when I watched it I was Sadie and there were no worries of Amanda.
Without realizing it I spent 1 hour watching the video before I fell asleep and had sweet, sweet dreams or at the time that's what I thought they were, dreams.
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