Never take strange gifts – Part 2: Ernie
The morning was warm and cheerful; the sky was blue and cloudless; Ernie Bernstein awoke with a pounding headache in his skull, and a single thought: “Something here got to give.”
The ‘something’ in the question was actually Ernie’s entire way of life, and it was to his greater surprise that he decided to change it in the first place. The reason behind it, though, was not Ernie’s fault, but his friend Rick’s – if the daft bastard went with him in the first place, everything would have gone as usual: Rick would get all the attention, leaving Ernie in the shadow.
…It should be clarified at this point that despite evidence pointing to the contrary, Ernie and Rick were decent enough friends, especially since they were co-workers in the same area, but when it came to girls, Ernie with his premature tendency to baldness, crazy freckles, and equally crazy red hair was always surpassed by the more posh-looking Rick. However, Ernie did not mind – when it came to girls, Rick was shy, and tended to act as the curtain before the brain – i.e. Ernie. Thus, usually by the end of a party evening both guys would usually have dates for the next couple of days at least. However, behind this perfect scheme lay a problem: Rick’s mom.
Well, Ernie’s mom as well. Both elderly ladies disapproved in a maternal fashion of the high-swinging bachelor lives of the sons, and often attempted to pair them up with the daughters (or occasionally granddaughters) of their friends. Moreover, the last attempt of Mrs. Carrington proved to be a surprising success: Rick fell for Ella Parker, and fell hard.
At first, Ernie just couldn’t fathom what Rick saw in his new girlfriend – a large, heavyset, plain-looking young woman, who tended to talk too much whenever she was nervous, which was too often. But then, as Ernie took stock of Rick’s situation few days later, he realized that Ella suited Rick just fine – she talked enough for both of them, for a start, and second, well, Rick’s taste in girls did lean more towards “Roubens’ ladies” than “herring skeletons in designer dresses”. Ernie, who was less meticulous, often made friendly jokes to his friend about this – but now it was Rick’s turn to laugh: he was going steady with a girl plain and nervous enough for him, while Ernie’s luck was down on the rocks, as Mrs. Bernstein doubled the pressure for him to go steady too, and then there was Eve.
When described for a first time, Eve was pretty much everything that Ernie wanted in a girlfriend – intelligent, fun, curvy, and very well built. Unfortunately, the second-time revealed the reasons why Ernie could never score with her – her family, the Coopers, were rich enough to be on a first-name basis with J.W., one of the most influential mem-bers of the Board and the boss for Ernie and Rick, and second, well, they were Afro-American.
Not that Ernie had anything against that, not at all. He did not consider himself anywhere near arrogant or haughty enough to be embarrassed by Eve’s family riches, and as for the racial problem, well, being born in the less impressive area of Bronx, Ernie could not really be a white-race supremacist if he tried – it just was not in his genes.
On the other hand, Eve did not seem to have any problems with their differences in social status or skin color – she actually considered Ernie funny and cute, rather than stupid, freaky, and obnoxious, like her family and friends did. Unfortunately for Ernie, the latter, using Eve’s close friend Diane, did not hesitate to tell him that, with a hearty wish from that that he would get lost.
“Lucky Rick,” groaned Ernie, as he went to his mailbox to check the mail. “His girlfriend’s family is all for them, while mine’s just hates my guts. If only I could do some-thing about this… hey, a letter!”
Now, Ernie did not get too many letters, other than bills for electricity, water, heat, and so on – his friends and family preferred to contact him via the phone or e-mail, rather than via written letters, so to receive a letter that was not a bill was actually a surprise. Curious, Ernie opened it.
“Hey, Ernie!
Sorry, old friend, that we have fallen out at the moment, but with my social life changing so unexpectedly, and J.W.’s formerly iron grip on our jobs slipping due to the family problems, and creating a new working environment, we have gotten out of contact. So, I decided to rectify this situation and mend our bridges, see?
Enclosed in this letter you will find a lucky ring of mine that has changed my life without a doubt. Therefore, I suggest that you wear it as well, and see if your life does not change as well.
Sincerely,
Rick.”
Ernie’s eyebrows rose in silent surprise. A lucky ring? Ernie never thought Rick was particularly superstitious or believed in luck.
On the other hand, he mused, as he saw the ring – an impressive looking piece of jewelry with an expensive-looking crystal set in it – maybe this had nothing to do with superstition: buying such a ring must’ve taken a lot out of Rick’s salary, which was pretty much the same as Ernie’s, and everybody knew that chicks dig guys with expensive tastes. So, perhaps-
“Hey, don’t hog the sidewalk, Rusty!”
Ernie growled. Norris and Annie, the two up-and-coming yuppies that lived down the street from him just plain did not like him. True, as Ernie tended to admit himself, between his hair and his freckles, he did not look very impressive, but the constant teasing and looking down upon him got very irritating very quickly, and Ernie did not know what to do about it. Normally, he would not hesitate to let the couple have it with a couple of sarcastic remarks of his own, but truth to tell, Ernie was a bit afraid of getting into a confrontation with the couple: the ambitious couple believed that a healthy body housed a healthy spirit, and so regularly worked-out at the neighborhood’s gym, unlike Ernie, who didn’t. Thus, while Ernie was no slouch or anything, he felt that he was no match for the very athletic Norris, and so he resigned himself from jumping aside, as the two yuppies would go jogging down the street in their daily morning jog… If only he could do something to them, and not get caught…
Unnoticed, the ring flashed from its position on Ernie’s finger.
Before his surprised eyes, a screen appeared.
“You have selected two subjects”, it said. “Please select the option in which you are going to work.”
Now, when few days ago Rick Carrington found himself in a similar situation, he panicked, and just went along with the flow, guiding by his instinct. Ernie, on the other hand, did not. Instead, he began to look around the screen, trying to see if there was something useful to glean out of this.
“Hmm, “Appearance”? Let’s see…” Instantly, the screen was covered with boxes and charts. “Age, social status, hair, height – let’s start with “Height”.” A new screen came on, showing what Ernie could do with height of Norris and Annie. Without hesitating, Ernie reached out to shrink the two, but hesitated – he did not want to turn them into dwarves.
Or did he? Shaking his head to clear it out, Ernie proceeded to shear-off about 8% of Norris and Annie’s height… and then a new screen popped-up: “Attitude”. Smiling wry-ly, and having an even better idea of how to act, Ernie pressed it open. There, he looked for self-assurance, and found it at approximately 70% for Norris, and 67% for Annie. Shrugging, he reduced it to 40% and 37%, and saved the changes, leaving the screen.
“Oh, hey there neighbor.”
Ernie turned around, and stared. Losing the 8% of their height left Norris was approximately the same height as Ernie, while Annie’s eyes were at level with Ernie’s chin. Moreover, since their weight remained the same with the shortened height, they grew heavier, but not with muscle, but fat. There were hints of a beginning spare tire around Norris’ middle, and Annie’s shorts seemed to be a bit too tight around her butt and thighs. However, that was not all. The arrogant gaze of their facial expression faded completely, leaving the two looking something like Ernie’s co-workers along the office.
“Hey back at you,” Ernie nodded solemnly, feeling somewhat uncomfortable by that lat-est revelation. “What’s up with you two?”
“Oh, nothing, we’re just thinking of starting to jog around during mornings,” Norris ad-mitted, looking embarrassed, “both of us are getting a bit overweight, got to admit.”
“Well, eh, good luck. Tell me how it goes – if it goes well, maybe I’ll join you or something.”
“Will do, neighbor, will do.”
As the two former obnoxious yuppies began to jog – well, rather, to walk – down the street, Ernie began to think. Had Rick discovered the ring’s abilities as well? If so, had he used them on someone?
Ella Parker? Ernie could not fathom why anyone would be content with a plain Jane if it could be a supermodel instead.
J.W.? Had Rick done something to their overall boss? Highly unlikely. The big blowout between J.W.’s girlfriend and niece happened when Rick was out for lunch, and Ernie knew that Rick did not have acting skills anywhere near the quality necessary to fool him. No, J.W.’s problems came from natural causes, not from the ring’s strange magic.
Anyone else? However, Ernie did not know enough people in their company’s building to recognize that they changed by magic or otherwise.
So, where did it leave him? It left him with the new magical power to change people however, he liked, and that led him to the main problem in his life – Eve Cooper, her family and friends.
“All right, old chum,” Ernie told himself firmly. “You got yourself a magical way of fi-nally changing your life for good – don’t screw it up!”
Therefore, fortifying himself in such a manner, Ernie Bernstein went off to seek out Eve Cooper and his foes.
<center>* * *</center>
Ernie was never much for complex strategies… not to mention, he was still partially wondering what Rick did when he had the ring, and if so, why did Rick’s life remain so… non-glamorous? What’s more, what could Ernie do to avoid Rick’s mistakes, whatever they were?
Suddenly, a fancy car rode by, almost splashing Ernie with mud.
“Hey watch it!” he yelled but quickly fell silent, as he realized the car and its driver – it was Diane, the bitchy friend of Eve’s. Personally, Ernie thought that Diana was so bitchy because she was so thin – a sports’ grant girl, who made it into the upper echelons of society by becoming a near-Olympic champion in running, and also archery, hurdle-jumping, and similar events. In short, a very pretty girl in a rather, delicate, fragile way, as well as a very lonely one.
Keeping herself in that top-notch shape took a large bite out of Diana’s social life, and as far as Ernie was concerned, that is why she became a hanger-on to Eve – to share the other girl’s social glory. He pretty much told Diana that in their first confrontation, and things went downhill from there. And now…
“You!” Diana snapped. “What are you doing in this neighborhood? Don’t you remember that you were never welcome here anymore? Want me to call Mr. Cooper’s security to get you kicked out?”
Ernie frowned, deeply angered. On his finger, the ring flashed.
The screen appeared, centered on Diana, who seemed to be frozen in suspended animation. “What am I to do with you now?” Ernie chortled; ignoring that Diana could not hear him. “Let’s see if I can’t take you down a peg or two, like I did with my neighbors? Or maybe, I should puff you up, instead?”
That is just what Ernie did. As the various screens showed, Diana had hardly an ounce of fat on her, stripped away by her multiple sport practices, so to refurbish that, Ernie increased her body weight by 30%, making her look more like an ordinary girl, and less than like a champion runner. She still was not anywhere near Ella Parker’s weight, but now she actually had breasts and a butt to show to the world. Then, Ernie turned to Diana’s social skills.
Surprisingly, they were in better condition than what Ernie had expected, so he raised them by another 20%. Now Diana sported a nice shade of lipstick, had rather tasteful earrings, and a fashionable hairstyle.
Then Ernie turned to Diana’s social status. To his surprise, Diana was now not Eve’s friend from the university, but Cooper family’s servant. Shrugging, Ernie turned off the display, and prepared to confront himself with the Diana of the new reality.
Who, in her turn, was no longer so confrontational, either. “Ernie, look,” she said slowly. “I know that you like Miss Eve, and I think that Miss Eve likes you back. But you should be aware that her parents and sister, Miss Denise, really don’t like you – they think that you’re nowhere near the person they want for Miss Eve’s boyfriend.”
“Really?” Ernie frowned in thought. “And her friends?”
“I and Miss Eve’s friends don’t really see each other that much,” Diana shook her head. “I think that the Coopers are a bit embarrassed of me – I used to apply for their sportive scholarship grant, but didn’t quite make the cut…”
“Right,” now it Ernie’s turn to be somewhat embarrassed – he knew that he was essen-tially the reason why Diana did not quite make that cut. “Anyways, thanks for the tip, but I am not through yet. Can you tell me where can I find Denise, instead?”
“I can give you a ride, if you want,” Diana shrugged. “It’s my day off anyways.”
“Well, if you don’t think that I’ll contrast too much with your chromium earrings-“
“They’re silver. Miss Denise gave them to me as a birthday gift.”
“I see.”
<center>* * *</center>
Ernie and Diana located Denise Cooper having lunch at a nice restaurant designed for lawyer-type people. That was as expected, since Denise was a lawyer herself. Oddly, though, Ernie had trouble remembering what sort of lawyer Denise was exactly, but that did not matter – he came for Denise for a different reason.
“Got you!” he smiled, as he tried to fire-up the ring. Unfortunately, at this moment, one of the restaurant’s waitresses decided to approach Denise. “Are you ready to order?” she asked, and it was then that the screen appeared.
“You have selected two subjects”, it said. “Please select the option in which you are going to work.”
Ernie felt like groaning. This was not what he had in mind! But then again – what difference did it make? He knew what he wanted to do with Denise, and the waitress probably will not be worse off than before.
Promptly, Ernie went for the “Attitude” menu. Smiling wryly, and knowing as to what to do, Ernie pressed it open. He quickly decreased “Haughtiness” down to 39%, as well as “Arrogance”, and he brought “Prejudice” down to 20%, before snapping back into the real world.
And stared. This time, the changes were much more drastic than before. The restaurant was no longer a restaurant, but a McDonalds, of all things. He was not sure if the rest of the clientele inside of the original establishment changed, but Denise sure had. Her clothes no longer were bought in a boutique, but looked pretty much like what some of Ernie’s ex-girlfriends used to wear – practical but cheap. Her hair was no longer fashionable either, but was cut short. Finally, this version of Denise was not slim and trim, but possessed an impressive pair of chins and a paunch, caused by eating too many fast food meals, no doubts.
“Well, it looks like Eve’s not here,” Diana muttered from Ernie’s side.
Ernie felt another shock. Somehow, Diana had doubled in weight once again, now sporting a figure that was as impressive as Eve’s. Her earrings have turned from being simple metal studs into moon-shaped metal hoops, and her hair was no longer short and curly, but straight and reached down to her shoulders in a ponytail. Overall, Ernie had to admit, that the Diana version 3 seemed to be the nicest at all.
“What are you looking at, funny guy?” Diana turned to Ernie, raising an eyebrow. The original Diana had thread-thin eyebrows, but this one had… ordinary eyebrows. Ernie, of course, did not intend to tell her that, so he spoke the next thing that came into his head.
“Your earrings. Didn’t you say that you got them as a gift from Denise?”
“Eve, you dope. Denise has no taste in jewelry, and not that Eve has it much better, but still. Anyways, I see that Eve isn’t here, so any ideas where can she be?”
Ernie frowned in thought. He didn’t like the bossy tone that Diana seemed to pick up with him, but then again… it wasn’t too different from what his ex-girlfriends used with him, usually around the time they broke up with him… but he and Diana weren’t an item, to begin with, weren’t they?
Suddenly, Ernie had a much better idea why Rick did not seem to have used the ring too much – too many changes, and things got too confusing for you to deal with in a rush, like right now. Ernie wondered if he should try to change Denise back, but decided against this – after all, was not this what he wanted to begin with?
“You know, maybe she’s with her parents instead,” Diana meanwhile was musing. “True, she was thinking of moving with Denise, but after she found out that Denise was already splitting the apartment and her rent with her secretary-slash-co-worker, Eve decided that her parents were the lesser evil after all.”
“Really? Denise always seemed so accepting to me.”
“More like nuts. She says that everybody deserves a chance no matter who they are. Personally, this sounds like yet another unscrupulous lawyer, who is willing to take any case just for the money and notoriety. Moreover, that secretary-slash-co-worker of hers… I really do not trust her, and neither does Eve. Neither do you, for that matter, right Ernie?”
Ernie shook his head. The ring was much more powerful than how he had imagined it, and it seemed that others were paying the price. “Maybe I should send it back to Rick,” he muttered.
“What are you talking about?”
“Oh nothing.”
<center>* * *</center>
As Diana’s (or not Diana’s?) car drove, Ernie could not help but notice that they were going through a very different route than the one he was used to, but that was only to be expected, he had changed the world, so naturally…
…he had changed Eve! In all the initial excitement and the nearly omnipotent power located literally at his fingertips, he never thought to think what would happen to Eve if he started to mess with her family. In other words, he had effectively fooled himself.
“That’s why I need Rick around when dealing with girls,” Ernie shook his head. “I may be fast, but sometimes I’m too fast for my own good.”
“That’s for sure,” Diana nodded. “Why did you two break up anyways?”
“He’s a guy.”
“I mean, you dope, why did the two of you stopped being friends?”
“We haven’t! We just got out of touch, but now, I think, we’re trying to get back in.”
“Can I help?”
“I don’t know,” Ernie shook his head. For some reason, he hated to lie to her, but obviously telling her the truth about the ring and how he used it to change her into not a sports champion, among other things, was clearly out. “We’ll see. Is it far to the Coopers, though?”
“Oh no, we’re here.”
“What?” Ernie stared incredulously. Instead of the mansion-like building that Eve told him on their dates, he saw a small, compact house, barely bigger than his own, with a garage sale on the front lawn. “I guess that things have changed,” he said weakly.
“Oh! Diana, Ernest, hello!” a short, very round woman practically rolled over to the car, smiling with honest good cheer. The car, Ernie noticed absently, was no longer a flashy sports car from this morning, but a good solid minivan. “Glad that you could come over and help us set it up.”
“Don’t worry, Mrs. C,” Ernie said on pure instinct, still unable to believe that this roly-poly housewife used to be the elegant and dignified Michelle Cooper, “you know us.”
“Yes, yes,” Michelle Cooper nodded excitedly, all of her chins bobbing along, “and please, feel free to call me Michelle.”
Ernie helplessly looked over to Diane. He was excessively unused to this new, open-hearted version of Michelle Cooper.
“All right, Michelle, we will,” Diane replied, as she rolled her eyes in exasperation. “Now you want us to help you in the back?”
“Oh no, me and Andy will hand things in the back,” Michelle shook her head, causing herself to shake all over. “Eve!”
Ernie’s heart fell. He remembered – finally – that one of their dates Eve clamed that she took after their mom, even as Denise took after their dad. Moreover, at that time Michelle Cooper was quite a thin, stylish lady, even as Eve was quite curvy – kind of, like Diana was right now. Presently, though, Michelle Cooper seemed to have become a typical overweight housewife, and Eve…
Eve was massive. Despite Eve’s claims, both her and Denise took after their father in height, making them about as tall as Ernie was… but Ernie had overlooked this fact due to…
Ernie’s coherent thoughts turned-off. Eve was built like a Paleolithic Venus, with massive thighs and humongous breasts. Her hair, originally put in elaborate hairdos, was currently in short braids, which fully emphasized her chipmunk cheeks and double chin. Eve’s big eyes, that Ernie formerly found so attractive, now appeared to be rather bovine looking and just as intelligent.
“Hey, you guys!” Eve said excitedly in a loud voice. “Glad that you could make it!”
“Don’t mention it,” Diana said with a wry smile. “Hey, you dope, you ready to help?”
Ernie paused, as he furiously thought about how his good intentions brought forth this disaster. “It’s the waitress,” he slowly realized. “The one I caught with Denise. Somehow her family and the Coopers got switched, so maybe if I-“
No.
The realization hit Ernie as the new Eve would – heavy and hard. He had no idea of what he could do to change all of this, and more importantly, what would happen because of it. He already twisted his dream girl into someone he would not look twice at in his old life.
Old life? Did he somehow manage to change himself in all this insanity as well? If so, Ernie would not be surprised one bit…
“Ah, Diana, do you care to go, I have something to tell to Ernie,” Eve’s voice shook Ernie back into awareness.
“Fine. Hey, you dope, don’t dawdle for too long, you hear?”
Ernie nodded, and watched how Diana went off to the boxes to begin to prepare the garage sale.
“Ernie,” Eve spoke firmly.
“Yeah?” Ernie was at a loss.
“Ernie, you’re a good guy and as far as my friends go, you’re one of the better one, but Diana is also my friend, and was such for a longer time than you, so please, you got to stop to keep her in suspended animation – are you going to dump her, or are you two are going to get steady?”
“What? Diana, me… she keeps calling me a dope!”
“That’s because you are kind of a dope – can’t you see that she obviously likes you, and I think that you like her too.”
Ernie paused, and thought some about this statement. As far as he could tell, whatever feelings he felt for old Eve have vanished when he saw new Eve in person, while Diana… while Diana actually was a very pretty young lady with some very decent tastes… and apparently liked him.
No one – of the female gender – liked Ernie before, at least not as the boyfriend – or even the potential boyfriend – material. Now, however, Diana did. Hmmm…
“Maybe, Eve, you’re right,” he said thoughtfully, feeling better than he had for several days. “Maybe it’s time for me to change now…”
“Good. Glad that you think that way – Diana and you make a really nice couple,” Eve said primly, but the dimples in her cheek somewhat belied her stern words. “Now let’s go and help her!”
Ernie nodded and followed Eve’s waddling backside, thinking about introducing Diana to his mom and possibly Rick, completely oblivious to the fact that the ring with the crystal was no longer on his finger…
To be continued (if anyone is interested) in part 3: Brigitte.