The Favour

[EmmaFinn]

THE FAVOUR

By Emma Finn



1

On Friday night, while we were working down our second glass of wine in her pokey little flat, my friend Pam and I realised that we had both had the same dream.

Exactly the same dream.

Pam and I had planned a night out drinking but when it turned out that her nasty little boyfriend Jimmy was out we’d decided to stay in. The flat was pretty shabby but it was quiet and we only wanted to drink and chat. A quick trip out to the off-licence had made a cheap night of it. We hadn’t been friends that long but we got on pretty well. After we talked about what happened in the dreams through it became clear that there couldn’t be a mistake. Our dreams had been identical.

And it was a weird dream. It was about the secret of swapping bodies.

Neither one of us recalled the imagery but we both clearly remembered the mechanism for doing it. And we both believed it could be done. For real. Maybe that was part of the magic: that belief.

“Swap with me, just for a bit,” said Pam.

She saw the hesitation on my face.

We really weren’t that alike. I tended to be quite glamorous, putting a lot of effort into my clothes and make-up. My eyesight wasn’t perfect but I wore contacts. She had huge round glasses, much too big for her face and very dated. She didn’t wear much if any make-up. Her dress sense was a mismatch of out-of-fashion items. I’d put on a figure-hugging dress for the evening and made myself look as nice as I could. She was wearing a tank top and a pair of pleated navy culottes with flats that didn’t match. And her hair was pretty dire: a short, uneven fringe and a mullet in back. My expression must have shown the reservation I had to become her, even for a short period.

“Please,” she said. “As a really big favour. It isn’t just so I could try out being you, though that would be amazing. You’re so much better with people than I am. You don’t let anybody give you crap. You’d still be like that if we swapped. My boss has been bullying me for months. You could stand up to her for me. You could tell her to stop doing it and she’d listen; I know she would.”

I shook my head. It sounded like a terrible idea. But then there was this other thing: the deep compulsion I had in me since I’d had the dream to give it a try. Just a try.

I couldn’t believe we were talking about this, not only as though it were real but as though we might actually go through with it.

“I know it’s a massive thing to ask,” said Pam, “but it would really mean a lot to me. And it would be incredible being somebody else for a day. Don’t you think?”

I looked at Pam’s homely face and little, pointy boobs. I looked at her bitten fingernails and big feet.

I couldn’t believe I was considering this. But for some reason I really wanted to do it – to experience life as somebody else. Before I could change my mind I said, “Yes.”

It was when we began preparing ourselves that I started to get a bad feeling.

It wasn’t about standing up to Pam’s boss. I had always been good at that kind of thing and I’d told her to do it hundreds of times. She was too damn passive for her own good.

It wasn’t about being worse off financially or losing my looks – the swap would only be for a night and a day. It would be just like wearing a Halloween costume.

It was the actual details of the trade that creeped me out.

The dream memories were very specific. It wasn’t just our bodies we would be swapping. It was the threads of our destiny; our current and future lives.

That sounded dangerous and I said as much to Pam but she laughed it off.

“I know what you mean but it’ll be over in no time. We can switch back at lunch tomorrow,” she said. “You’ll get your destiny or whatever back then.”

I tried to visualise what my “destiny” was; what it would mean to swap it for somebody else’s: my looks, my career prospects, my future love life, any children I might conceive. Pam’s future was not going to be as smooth; not with her limited skills and dead end job, nor with her semi-abusive boyfriend and credit card debt.

“I’m really not sure about this Pam,” I said.

“Oh please Rose,” she replied. “I’d owe you such a big favour in return and you would really make my life better if you could stand up to my boss.”

I made myself chew it over some more, then against my better judgement, I agreed.

It was only until the following lunchtime and it would really help her out with her boss. If that stopped Pam bitching about her all the time then all the better. Pam wasn’t the most assertive person and I did take pity on her situation. And I was also powerfully curious.

“Let’s do it,” I said and we both laughed excitedly at the prospect.

 

2

The magic required us to both recite five complex words while holding hands. It was as simple as that. No candles. No magic potions. No virgin sacrifices.

Still it was hard to countenance that we believed this enough to try it out and maybe that was contributing to my decision to go through with it. The knowledge had been inserted so deeply into our minds during the dream. It was hard not to believe it. How else could we have both had the same dream?

But here we were, holding hands, looking into one another’s face.

“I’m not sure about this,” I said. I really didn’t want to be Pam, even for a little while. I liked being me too much. But she did have a shitty life. I wanted to help her if I could.

“I’m so grateful Rose,” she replied. “You’re going to make things so much better.”

That made me a little more sure of myself but I still didn’t feel ready.

We started incanting the words, tentatively but surely. Inside my head they seemed impossible to pronounce but they came from our lips easily.

As soon as we started I felt incredibly strange, the unpleasant intensity of it centred on my belly button. It got stronger and stronger as we carried on. I wanted to stop but I couldn’t. The words kept coming. And then suddenly I shuddered and I lost my sight and senses. At the same moment I felt the most dreadful sensation of my life, as though a crucial part of me were being ripped away – or more that I was being ripped away from it. I was weightless and in darkness but I felt horrifically diminished, no longer whole. Then I was thrust into some new and unfamiliar place and the something that was missing was improperly replaced.

I could only imagine it as my soul being torn from my body and thrown into Pam’s, but it clearly wasn’t just my body I was leaving behind. The essence that was gone; the essence that now replaced it; was my very future: all the rest of my life as Rose. It didn’t matter that we’d only agreed to a temporary change. Right now it felt like I could never get that future back; that I was trapped now instead inside of Pam’s destiny. Her future had become mine.

I opened my eyes, blinking, and realised I was looking through her big round glasses. I had to look up at her; she was a good six inches taller than me.

We broke our grip and stared at one another. The dream really had been true. We had swapped places. I had become Pam and she had become Rose.

“God, look at me!” she giggled, smoothing her hands down her new body. “I’m gorgeous! And so much taller!” She went out to the hall mirror. “It’s even better than I imagined. I feel great!”

I didn’t feel great. The fact that it was a good deed was helping but I felt small and ugly. I hated the mismatched clothes I was wearing. I hated the idea of having to stay in this little flat overnight.

The transfer had obviously flooded the new Rose’s body with endorphins, and why wouldn’t it? Her soul had been put into a better body with a better future. It probably felt like winning the lottery. I couldn’t get comfortable in my new flesh. The destiny I had temporarily assumed cloyed round me like thick swamp water, dampening any sense of wonder. I wasn’t happy at all.

“I’m so grateful,” she said. “Really Pam. If you can sort my boss out for me then it will change my life. And it’s awesome being you for a night.”

“Pam?” I said.

“Well you are Pam now, aren’t you?” she said.

“I guess,” I replied dourly.

“It’s weird,” she said, chattering on. “I don’t feel like myself at all anymore. I feel like you must. It’s odd; like I have all this potential.”

“Well don’t get used to it,” I replied. “We’re swapping back at lunchtime tomorrow.”

“Yes of course. Of course. No doubt about it. Oh, you’re such a good friend Pam.” She leaned down and hugged me. It felt unfamiliar and off-putting. “Anyway, I must fly.”

“Really?”

“Well, yes. You don’t mind do you? It’s just that if I only have tonight in your body I want to make the most of it.” She headed toward the door.

I stepped after her, feeling rather put out. “What are you going to do?”

She grinned. “Nothing you wouldn’t do in my place I’m sure!”

Then she was gone and I was left looking at the inside of her front door.

I looked around me at the cramped little poorly decorated flat. It was a bit damp and quite messy. It needed a good tidy and an even better clean but I didn’t see why I should be the one to do that.

I looked in the mirror and my face fell. I had Pam’s features now. I had her ugly, home-cut, short fringe. I had to wear her oversized glasses and I had her skinny arms and legs, her strange outward-pointing boobs.

You are Pam now, aren’t you? she’d said, and that was how it felt.

I didn’t feel like myself at all. All the sensations were wrong. I was seeing the world through glasses and from a different height. My body moved and was balanced differently. And I couldn’t escape that other thing: that it wasn’t just our bodies that had swapped; that our future lives had been swapped too.

I went through to the bedroom. I hadn’t seen it before. It was even messier than the lounge and hallway, the bedspread a tangled mess. Pam’s boyfriend Jimmy wasn’t back for hours yet. He was out drinking with his mates. I didn’t want to be awake when he returned. I didn’t particularly want to be awake now. The sooner this favour was done with, the better.

I took off my clothes, trying not to look at my ugly new body, and crawled under the covers, hoping I could sleep quickly and that tomorrow lunchtime would arrive soon.

 

3

I didn’t see much of Jimmy in the morning and he didn’t wake me when he came home.

When I opened my eyes I heard him clattering about in the little shower room toilet but when he popped back into the bedroom I wasn’t wearing my glasses. I could barely focus on him. He grumbled something about being late then came in for a kiss. I was too surprised to react. His face was bristly with stubble and the kiss was too hard. He pinched my tit roughly. Then he left.

I groused to myself and got up, wishing I’d never agreed to this. Pam wasn’t even a long term friend. I didn’t know her that well. I should have said no. It almost made me wonder if something in the dream had made me do it.

I still felt horrible in my new body. I couldn’t escape the feeling that I was lessened somehow. It wasn’t just the loss of height. I felt inferior. And that wasn’t snobbery. It was hard to wrap my head around. Could it be that being inside Pam’s body was making me different? It was only my soul that passed across. I was inside her brain now. Surely that could have all kinds of effects.

Pam wore a uniform to work at Poundland. I found it in the wardrobe. It wasn’t very flattering. I looked like a frightened mouse when I put it on. Pam normally wore oddly contrasting shoes with it but at least here I could make this body look a little better. I put on some plain black flats. I’d ironed the uniform first so I looked a little better than she normally did. That was something.

Pam didn’t have a car. That meant I didn’t have a car. I had to bus it into town which was a real drag. I was in a bad mood the whole way there. It was a Saturday so “Rose” didn’t have to work. She was probably having a great time while I went in to do her minimum wage job.

I walked down through Tower Gates shopping centre and got let into Poundland. Pam’s boss – my boss – was looking at her watch and frowning. “I’m getting really tired of your tardiness Pam. You know what time you’re meant to be here.”

I checked my own watch. “But I’m still five minutes before time.”

“Are you forgetting I told everyone to always be here ten minutes early so they’re ready to be productive exactly on the dot.”

I frowned. That sounded like being made to work without pay. That wasn’t right.

“Hurry up and dump that crap of yours in your locker. There’s been a shipment of cleaning products. I want it out on the shop floor ASAP.”

I nodded, conscious of the fact that the whole point of this swap was so that I could stand up to her and establish a different level of respect for Pam’s future. I didn’t want to let Pam down and I definitely didn’t want to feel beholden to stay in this form for longer than our arranged lunchtime appointment.

I got started on stacking the shelves. It was dull and repetitive but a welcome break from the pressure of my normal job. I couldn’t imagine doing it long term though. On the other hand, my mind kept flitting back to the concept of traded destiny. I knew this was only a short term swap but for now it still felt that this sort of lifestyle was exactly what was waiting for me in my future. I tried to picture my true future as Rose but it felt strangely impossible and out of reach, like it really did belong to somebody else.

The boss came to see how I was doing half an hour in. “Well you could have done better than that,” she huffed. “The rows aren’t even.”

My blood boiled at the condescending tone and thinking of the promise I’d made to the real Pam I said, “Sorry. I’m happy to correct that. It’s my mistake. But would you mind speaking to me properly. I’m happy to do my best. I don’t appreciate being talked down to.”

She looked like she’d been slapped in the face. Clearly Pam had never said boo to her before. There was a moment of indecision, then she rephrased it more politely.

I smiled and said, “Of course. My pleasure. Thank you for the feedback.”

She walked away looking nonplussed. I snickered to myself, feeling glad suddenly that I had done this switch after all. I did want to help Pam out and my assertiveness certainly had been transferred across with my spirit.

Throughout the morning the boss lady popped by where I was working to check on me or give me new jobs to do. I did a bit of till work but mostly it was shelf stacking. I was surprised by how easy it was to operate the till but I’d seen shop girls doing it my whole life. I guessed I’d picked up a trick or two.

If the boss made snide comments then I gently and firmly corrected her and before too long she was getting the idea. She was treating me with more respect. It was great. I actually felt quite happy by the time my lunch break came around. I’d done everything I’d promised to Pam and could go back to my own body with a clear conscience.

It had been fun trying on a new life but this really wasn’t one I wanted to stay in. I couldn’t wait to meet up with Ro— with Pam and swap back.

 

4

We had arranged to meet on the riverbank. I was very nervous as I made my way there. I was just so aware of how I looked now: the bad hair and glasses; the shop uniform; the homely face and skinny body.

Rose was waiting for me at the riverside. I say Rose because that was simply who she was. She looked like Rose. She stood and smiled like Rose. And I didn’t feel like Rose at all anymore. The image of myself I kept in my mind had altered already. I was Pam, at least physically.

“There you are!” she said, greeting me. “I’ve got baguettes for us. There aren’t any tables free here but I spotted a bench just down there.” She pointed along the river path going west.

“Uh, sure,” I said and followed her down there, conscious of the contrast between us. That was a better location anyway for us to swap back and I was eager to do so as soon as possible.

“So tell me what happened,” she said as we sat.

I’d been planning to suggest swapping right away but I guessed it couldn’t hurt staying this way a little while longer. We tucked into our food as I recounted what had happened that morning. Rose thought it was hilarious and was really pleased.

“I’m so grateful you did that. I could never have stood up to that cow. People always walk over me. Thank you.”

“What have you been doing?” I asked.

“Everything!” She laughed. “I went out on the town last night and hooked up with some of your other friends.”

“Really?” I felt put out. “Why didn’t you take me?”

“Er… because…” She wasn’t sure how to phrase it but I knew exactly why. When I was myself I didn’t tend to invite her out with other people. She just didn’t fit and her clothes and personality were generally a bit of a dampener. Nevertheless, it wasn’t nice to be the one that applied to now.

“Don’t worry about it,” I said. “I understand.”

“You don’t have to worry,” she went on. “I didn’t do anything naughty, though I did get rather tipsy!” She laughed loudly.

I gave her a weak smile.

“This morning I went to the spa and then had a manicure at that new hair and beauty parlour in town. It was wonderful.”

“Great,” I said testily. “Well I’m glad you enjoyed it but let’s switch back now.”

“Ah, yes; about that…” She smiled. “You did such an amazing job with my boss this morning; I was wondering if you could do me just one more small favour.”

“This doesn’t mean staying you for longer does it?” I asked, getting a sinking feeling that it did.

“Just until this evening,” she said. “Say nine o’clock tonight?”

I sighed. “What do you want me to do now?”

“Well it’s just Jimmy,” she said. “My boyfriend. You did such a great job with my boss. I was hoping you could tell him off for me too. Just get him to treat me better.”

“I don’t know…”

“Please. It would mean so much to me. I don’t have a hope of standing up to him but you could. Please Pam. Please.”

“I’m not Pam,” I said grumpily. “I don’t like it when you call me that.” But it felt odd to say that. Pam felt like it was my name. And she certainly wasn’t Pam anymore. She wasn’t fully me but she definitely wasn’t her old self.

“Okay. Rose,” she said, though that name jarred even more. “Please do me this one more favour and I’ll be grateful to you forever. Please?”

I looked down at my uniform and skinny arms and legs. I really didn’t want to stay like this anymore, but it was just a few more hours and it would be a help to her. “Okay. I guess,” I said. “But as long as you promise to swap back tonight.”

“Of course,” she replied, grinning. “We can meet here and do it.”

I frowned deeply, resenting the situation and aware that there had been a slight shift in power. When we started this, it had been a choice we both made. I didn’t like the way I’d had to extract a promise from her, as though it was she who would decide when we got our real bodies back.

“I’m so grateful for this Pam,” she said and this time I didn’t correct her on the name. I told myself it didn’t matter. It was only for another few hours and it did make more sense to call ourselves the names we had now.

I wasn’t Rose anymore.

 

5

The rest of the day at Poundland went quickly, which was good, but by the end of it I was feeling more and more as though I really was Pam. It was hard not to. I was doing things that only she would have done. People were calling me by her name. I spoke with her voice. If I caught sight of my reflection it was her face looking back.

And another thing… I was becoming more and more sure that I knew things that only she should have. Like the way I could use the till. And the way I knew my way around the stockroom. And I knew the names of the other girls who worked there.

It was really freaky and it made me ruminate over what had actually occurred when we switched.

My soul had gone into her body and maybe that soul was imprinted with a lot of my immediate knowledge. But now it was in Pam’s brain and it could tap into the memories and information there. I had to question how much of my original imprinted self would remain if I stayed this way. It had felt as though the most important parts of me had been ripped away when I made the transfer. I already knew my future was currently Pam’s future. If that was true then it didn’t make sense that I would be just like my Rose-self in her body – not long term. In order for me to truly inherit the path of her fate I would have to make the same choices she would make. I would have to effectively be her. That seemed to prove that I would become more and more like her over time.

All the more reason to finish of this favour and get back into my own shape again; put this behind me with a shiver of relief.

I took the bus home to Pam’s flat, wishing I could instead go back to my own far nicer house. No such luck. And truth be told, I was looking forward to getting back in there. It did felt like home to me now. Rose’s house, in my memory, seemed like… somebody’s else’s place. It was weird. And disconcerting.

Jimmy wasn’t home when I got there. I let myself in, threw my clothes on the floor and had a shower. There was no bath in the narrow room; just a shower with intermittent hot water and a grubby toilet with a loose seat. I couldn’t wear my round glasses in the shower. It made me realise how much worse my eyesight was than it had been.

I came out and blow dried my hair, trying to do something with it. Pam had cut it herself though and the mullet back and short fringe were impossible to work with. By the time I had finished it looked exactly like it always did. I did manage to find a roughly matching outfit after twenty minutes of scrabbling through the piles of creased, musty clothes in the wardrobe. I considered ironing them but I couldn’t be bothered. I put them on as they were, straightening them as much as I could with my hands.

Jimmy arrived a couple of minutes later.

He was chubby round his middle but very muscular in his chest and shoulders. He’d spent his youth in various foster homes and hadn’t had an easy time of it. Sadly that made him aggressive and domineering which cowed Pam. He dominated her, making her life a misery and he came in with the same plan for me.

“What are you looking at? I’ve had a crappy day. When’s the food ready?” He went right by me and slumped into the armchair in the lounge.

I shook my head to myself and followed.

“Tell me you’ve started cooking already,” he said grumpily. “I’m starved.”

I sat on the sofa and put my hands in my lap. “Jimmy,” I said. We need to talk.”

He looked suspicious but I went on.

“I appreciate you’ve had a long day today but I’ve been working too and I’d rather you didn’t talk down to me.”

He got the same expression on his face that the boss had got in Poundland.

“I love you a lot and I want to stay together. I want to cook for you and make you happy. But I also want you to treat me with respect and gratitude.”

I let that sink in for a minute then I continued.

“I’m not going to leave you. But I will if you keep on treating me badly. I promise to make you the happiest man that I can if you do your part. I know you aren’t used to me saying this kind of thing but it’s come to the point that you need to make a decision. Either you treat me well and we stay together… or I leave.”

I held my breath. The last thing I wanted was to end Pam’s relationship, but Jimmy needed to know that I (and she) meant business.

He sat quietly for a long time. Then he looked me in the eye. Then he looked away and sat quietly again.

“I’ll put dinner on,” I said. “What would you like?”

That was a good enough start. Pam could continue where I left off. A favour was one thing but this was her life, not mine. It was her who was going to be stuck living it. She had to put some effort in to sort it out.

And maybe being me for a day would give her a bit of my strength.

 

6

It didn’t seem as strange catching the bus now I did it again. In fact when I thought about driving the idea of it made me nervous. I wondered why.

As Rose I’d been driving for my whole adult life. But then, I wasn’t Rose anymore. I knew Pam couldn’t drive. She’d had a couple of lessons as a teenager and given up after pranging her dad’s car badly. And I was Pam now. The way I felt about the very idea of driving couldn’t have been far off from the way she did. It almost brought me out in a sweat. It actually made me nervous about becoming myself again because then I’d have to drive home. I wondered if I could persuade Rose to drive me home, just until I got my confidence back.

It was strange walking from the bus station to the riverbank. Normally, as Rose, I would have been getting a fair bit of attention from men; some flirtation. Not now. Now that I was Pam I didn’t get a second look. And I didn’t have my usual confidence. I was so aware of my homeliness and awful clothes and hair that I knew people would look down on me. I was Pam at the moment and those unfriendly opinions really were levelled at me.

I kept my head down and walked quickly. I was wearing the outfit I’d picked out earlier but I was starting to question if it matched as well as I’d thought it did. I was becoming less sure of my fashion knowhow. I’d chosen some tartan three quarter length trousers and a pink and white striped baggy T-shirt. They were both heavily creased which probably didn’t help but I really wasn’t sure if they made me look good. But then, with my looks, I couldn’t work miracles. There wasn’t much point in trying too hard with a face like mine.

When I got to the bench on the riverbank Rose wasn’t there. I sighed and checked my watch. It was just after the time when we were supposed to meet. I fretted that she’d come and gone and wondered if I should call her.

I didn’t. I sat down and waited, pushing my glasses up my nose and then crossing my legs and arms. It was dark but the moon was out. The lights from the houses across the river up the hill of Pinecrest reflected on the water’s surface.

Fifteen minutes later Rose still hadn’t turned up. I was starting to get ratty and questioned whether I’d got the time or place wrong. I was such an idiot. It would have been just like me to do that.

Ten minutes after that I decided to ring Rose and see what she was doing.

I dialled the number and rang through. She didn’t pick up right away. Eventually she did and said, “Oh my God, I’m so sorry Pam. I forgot all about you!”

I grumbled to myself and said, “It doesn’t matter. When are you getting here?”

There was a pause on the other end. “Er, look, Pam? Listen… I was wondering how you’d feel about extending our swap. Just for a little bit longer.”

“What? We were meant to swap back at lunchtime!”

“I know. I know. And I’m really grateful for you staying like that for longer. It’s just that I’m having such a fabulous time being me; you know, you; that I’d really, really like to stay like this just for maybe… one more day?”

I sighed heavily. “I’m not really comfortable with that Rose,” I said, sort of hating myself for calling her that. “I’ve already done you a massive favour by staying you for so long.”

“I know. And I’m ever so grateful. You’ll never know how grateful. How did it go with Jimmy tonight?”

“I thought you’d never ask,” I replied testily. “He was a bit shocked but he sort of responded. You’ll need to follow it up when you change back. You’ll need to go on standing up to him.”

She laughed. “That shouldn’t be too hard. I feel so much more confident now. I feel like I could stand up to anybody.”

“Good. That’s great. But listen—”

“I’m going to have to go,” she cut in. “It’s actually good you’re going to stay me for longer. It means you can be the one to follow up with Jimmy.”

“Rose, I—”

“Sorry Pam. I really have to go. I’m at the cinema and the film’s starting in a minute. I’ll give you a call in the morning to set up the exchange back.”

“Hang on,” I said. “I didn’t agree yet.”

“You’re a real star for doing this Pam. Really. Talk soon.”

She hung up.

I sat there, looking at the phone dumbly. I didn’t lower it for a good two minutes.

I couldn’t believe she’d done that to me. I was happy to do her a favour but she was taking the piss now, she really was.

I considered ringing her back and demanding we meet up but the idea of doing that made me feel anxious. Still, I made myself do it. This wasn’t on. We had to switch back right away. I was feeling far too much like the real Pam for my liking.

The phone went straight to voicemail. She must have turned it off because she was going into the cinema. I sighed, wondering if I should go round there and try to find her, but I didn’t like the idea of hunting through loads of darkened auditoriums. The people inside might shout at me for causing a disturbance.

Instead I sighed heavily and started walking back toward the bus station, reconciled to staying like this for one more night.

It wasn’t all bad though. At least I didn’t have to drive. I’d only had two lessons from my dad as a teenager and they had been a disaster.

 

7

When I got back to the flat, Jimmy had his music on painfully loudly. I could hear the neighbours hammering on the wall from outside the door but as soon as I went in it was impossible to hear.

I’d tried calling Rose again on the way home but still got no answer. I texted her to ask her to call me before she went home. I wanted her to come round here instead.

Jimmy was in the lounge, his top off, a bottle of beer in his hand. His face looked like thunder. I smiled weakly and gave him a wave. He curled his lip and glared back at me. I backed out the room and went into the little bedroom. It was almost as loud in there and only became slightly muffled when I shut the door.

Jimmy banged it open seconds later and came in. I had just sat down on the bed. He glared at me threateningly, took a swig of his beer and glared at me again.

I didn’t know how to react. I wished I hadn’t talked to him on the real Pam’s behalf now. I hadn’t realised I would be the one to suffer the consequences and it had seemed like such an easy idea to have a chat.

“Where the fuck do you get off telling me what to do?” he bellowed.

“What? I… Sorry. I just thought—”

“You thought you’d start laying out demands; telling me how to act; telling me I’m not good enough for high and mighty you. Is that about right?”

“No! I’m sorry, I was only trying to—”

“Don’t make excuses Pam. I’m fucking sick of you and I’m sick of your lies.”

He turned his back on me. I sat there feeling despondent. Then he whipped back round to face me, even more furious.

“You should pray I don’t dump you for this, you ugly fuck. You couldn’t hope to get a place as good as this if we broke up, especially with all your debt. You’d be fucked. So don’t come in here making demands or you’ll find out what life without Jimmy is like.”

“I’m sorry Jimmy,” I said, holding my hands up to ward off any blow.

“What are you doing that for?”

I looked at my hands. “I...”

“I’m not going to hit you, am I? What the fuck do you think I am? You stupid cow.” He slapped my hand out the way painfully hard then clipped me round the head. “Eh? Answer me!”

“No Jimmy. I’m sorry,” I wailed.

He slapped my cheek, what was probably playfully from his perspective, but still nasty enough to sting. “If it wasn’t for me you’d have nothing. Don’t you forget that.” He went out the bedroom but I stayed where I was feeling stunned. Moments later the loud music went off.

I’d had no idea how awful he was. I pitied the real Pam, having to put up with him, but it sounded like the alternative was no better.

I felt anxious and regretful, like I’d made things worse. I was already so used to being Pam and the fact that her destiny was currently mine was scratching at me. Maybe Jimmy was right. If he did support me – Pam – then it wasn’t right for me to come in and make demands; to insist he act differently. He had a right to act the way that came naturally. If I didn’t like that – well, if Pam didn’t like that then she could always leave.

I was expecting Rose to take her life back but I’d just almost ruined it. I felt terrible about that. And I felt terrible about the disapproval coming out of Jimmy. I didn’t want to let him down. He did do a lot for me – for Pam.

I decided to go and talk to him.

I went back to the lounge and hovered in the doorway. He was watching TV. When he saw me he gave me a glare and said, “What are you loitering about for?”

“I just wanted to say I was sorry,” I said. I took a tentative step into the room.

He just glared at me. I thought about the way I’d always thought the real Pam should stand up to him; the way I had before.

“I shouldn’t have told you what to do,” I said. “That was wrong of me.”

“Damn right it was. You can fucking move out if that’s the way you feel.”

I felt panic at that. As long as I was in this body the future path of this life was mine and I couldn’t help feeling emotionally attached to that. I knew I was acting more like Pam herself now but it was because I now understood what it was really like for her. If I had her body and brain; if I lived with her boyfriend and did her job; of course I’d act like her.

I was her.

I went into the room fully and kneeled beside Jimmy, looking up at him with tear-rimmed eyes, clutching his leg. “Can you forgive me? I’m so sorry.”

He sneered and then shrugged. “Just don’t fucking do it again or it really will be over.”

“Oh thank you,” I said, hugging his thigh, feeling a flood of relief that I hadn’t ruined everything. “Thank you Jimmy. I’m so sorry.”

He stroked my hair and I felt such gratitude for that and a rush of affection. I looked up at him again, my expression like that of a puppy, desperate for love. He kissed me. I closed my eyes, drifting into it, and his kiss became increasingly rough; increasingly passionate. He grasped my tit again, pinching it hard enough to incite another wince. I moaned with surprising arousal and then let him lead me into the bedroom.

He was rough with me, stripping me out of my bottoms and pushing me onto the bed. He didn’t bother with my T-shirt, just snatched at my knickers until they came off. I lay on my back, looking up at him.

I wasn’t Rose anymore. I realised that. I didn’t feel like her at all. She was beautiful and intelligent and confident. She had a great life ahead of her. I was Pam. I knew how plain I was and how good it was of Jimmy to put up with me. And I knew that I couldn’t dare rock the boat for fear of losing him. I wanted him to treat me badly; I deserved it. I liked it.

He batted my legs apart, staring hungrily at my minge. He didn’t bother looking at my face as he worked his way in and he pinned me down as he forced himself inside. I felt a pinpoint of pain and then gave out a long sigh and breathed his name.

“Jimmy. Oooooh Jimmy.”

There was no affection really; just the rhythmic pumping, his muscular arms trapping me on the bed; but I felt at peace. I felt fabulous. And a deep affection came to me suddenly and the irresistible desire to whisper the words, “I love you Jimmy Dobson.”

And I did. I wanted him to come louder than ever before. I didn’t care if I did. All that mattered to me was pleasing him.

And maybe then he’d treat me better for a little bit. Maybe then he wouldn’t hit me.

 

8

Rose didn’t call me back that night and her phone was switched off in the morning.

I had another shift at Poundland.

I considered not bothering to go in or to call in sick, but I didn’t want to cause trouble for Rose – for Pam when she became herself again. I was feeling paranoid and insecure, fretting that she wouldn’t want to swap back; that she was avoiding me. It wasn’t like we’d been friends for that long. We’d met at a dance class and hit it off; that was all. What if she decided my life – my old life – was better? Well of course it was better!

I got the bus into town, not even considering it as unusual anymore. I couldn’t drive for the life of me so what else would I do?

I trudged through the shopping centre and looked furtively at my boss as she let me in. I’d been worrying about talking back to her the day before. It had gone so badly with Jimmy, I worried that I might have ruined things here.

“Pam,” she said.

“Yes?”

“I want a word with you. My office. Now.”

I followed her meekly back there and took the proffered seat opposite. She glared at me in a way that was reminiscent of Jimmy.

“Are you happy working here?” she asked.

I paused to ask myself that. This life felt like it really was mine at the moment. It felt like I would always be Pam. Did I like it here? Or was it the best I could get? “Yes,” I replied.

“Well I wouldn’t have thought so from the way you were spouting off yesterday,” she said harshly.

“Oh. Uh, sorry,” I said.

“I was thinking about it all afternoon and last night and as your employer I expect a certain amount of respect. Is that clear?”

I shrank into my seat. “Yes.”

“I don’t expect you to question my methods.”

“No.”

“There are plenty more girls who would kill to have your job. If you aren’t satisfied with your position then say so now and I’ll give someone else a chance.”

I hung my head. “Sorry. No. I’m very happy here.”

She smiled smugly. “Good. Now get out on that shop floor and get to work. What are you doing wasting my time in here?”

I got up and hurried out, feeling awful.

Every attempt I’d made to stand up to the people in Pam’s life had got me nowhere. I was useless. I couldn’t stand up to anybody. Maybe when I was still Rose I could have but I just didn’t have those skills anymore. She was so much better than I was. I was pathetic.

I deserved getting stuck in her life for an extra day, the mess up I’d made of trying to improve things. I don’t know why I kept nagging at her to swap back. She’d swap when she was good and ready.

Nevertheless, while I stacked shelves all morning I couldn’t stop agonising over when our trade would happen. The change just felt so complete. I’d lost all my self-confidence. I couldn’t remember what it was like to feel like that anymore. I knew I was taking on more and more of the real— the original Pam’s memories and forgetting the Rose ones. Already the Rose memories I did retain had an odd air to them as though they belonged to somebody else. I could remember being Rose just about but I knew I wasn’t her and that clash of emotions made it disconcerting to focus on them. I was glad that it was getting harder and harder to remember things about my former life.

On the other hand, since spending a second night in this body I was remembering more and more things about my new life – Pam’s life. I could remember going to school in Barton; my family life as a child; meeting Jimmy. It would have been weird but it wasn’t. In the memories I was myself, Pam; not like in the Rose ones. It felt normal. As the day went on I was able to recall more and more and I enjoyed reminiscing. I wasn’t just recalling details of somebody else’s life; I was remembering events that had happened to me with all the nostalgic connection that came naturally with them.

Every hour or so I slipped away to try calling Rose but she never picked up and I received no calls back. I texted her message after message, barely noticing when the tenor of my communication changed from “Let me have my body back Pam,” to “Please give me your body Rose.” Still no answer came.

I wondered about going round to her house in my lunch break but it was right over in Lockwood somewhere and I wasn’t sure where. She’d driven me round there once but I’d never had to find it on my own.

No. That was my Pam memories taking over. Obviously it was my house – it had been – but I barely had any memory of it now.

Instead I wandered round the rundown end of the shopping centre, looking in discount clothes shops. I had the idea of buying something sexy for Jimmy – for if I ended up staying like this longer than I wanted to. I bought a red mini-skirt and a lime green boob tube. It didn’t do much for me – It accentuated my skinny arms and legs and showed my ribs and sunken chest – but I knew Jimmy liked a bit of flesh. He was always looking at pictures of girls dressed like that on the internet.

All afternoon I became more and more fretful. I wanted to swap places with Rose but I was becoming certain now that she was avoiding me; trying to hold onto her life – my former life. By four o’clock when the shop closed I still hadn’t heard. My boss had been horrible to me all day, giving me all the worst jobs. I had tried to work harder, hoping that by being more subservient she would accept that I did respect her authority after all. It had been such a mistake to stand up to her. I didn’t know what had possessed me. I vowed never to do anything like that again.

I worked an extra half hour for free before leaving to curry favour but she wasn’t grateful. She used that time to tell me at length how poor my performance was. I solemnly nodded at each point she made, feeling wretched.

When I left I walked back through the mall, thinking about what to do next; thinking about my life. And I realised something.

I realised that I only had the scantest memory of ever being Rose now. I didn’t recall a single thing from her life. I knew intellectually that I had been her but at the same time that didn’t make any sense because I had a head full of real memories of my life as Pam.

Worse, I was having trouble recalling the detail of the body-swap dream. I knew there were five words to say to effect a transference but I couldn’t quite remember what they were.

That filled me with a blunt-edged despair.

I could only hope that Rose remembered them, but at the same time I couldn’t believe that she would ever give up her beauty and prospects to become me. I was so plain and unfashionable. I owed thousands of pounds in credit card bills. I had an abusive boyfriend – though I knew that Jimmy couldn’t help it and he could sometimes be really kind, especially round my birthday.

I wandered toward the bus station, wondering if I should just wait until Rose called me in a week or two for our usual drinks together. I could bring it up then but I didn’t expect her to say yes.

Then suddenly I caught sight of her – in the window of a bar whose back faced onto the mall. She was sitting inside with somebody, right there in my line of sight.

My body was flooded with anxiety. I didn’t know how to approach her. I’d never known why she bothered to be my friend. We didn’t have anything in common. I always felt she was going to drop me. If I went in there demanding she give up her life then she might stop wanting to hang out with me. My nights out with Rose were one of the highlights of my life. I didn’t want to risk losing them.

But I steeled myself. I reminded myself that she had stolen my life. She wasn’t Rose. I… I was. Sort of. Or I had been once, even though I was Pam now.

I paused, thinking back over my life as a child in Barton and as an adult living with Jimmy. Then I got a hold of myself.

“I’m going in there,” I said. Then I marched inside.

 

9

Inside the pub it was gloomy and fairly crowded considering it was a Sunday. I looped round to the bay window where Rose had been sitting and stopped, staring.

It was a booth seat and she was sat very close to a tremendously dishy man. I was stunned by how attractive he was actually and recognising that was followed with a sour acknowledgment that I could never hope to net such a man with my looks. He was way out of my league.

As I stood there she laughed and then leaned in to kiss him on the lips. They broke and he whispered something in her ear, grinning. She shrieked with laughter and then gave his balls a squeeze.

I cleared my throat. Rose didn’t jerk away in shame. She turned to face me, did a slight double take, and then removed her hand casually as though it didn’t matter that I’d seen her.

“Oh, Pam,” she said. “What are you doing here?” She had a realisation. “Oh. Of course. You just finished work down at Poundland. Did you have a good day?”

I stared at her, flummoxed.

“Have you and Jimmy got any special plans for this evening?”

I got hot in my cheeks and stepped forward. “Can I talk to you for a minute Rose? Alone?”

She sighed and apologised to the man then stood and led me over to the bar. “What is it?”

“What is it!? I’ve been trying to call you all day! You said you’d ring me this morning about swapping back. We were supposed to have traded bodies by now.”

She looked me up and down and I saw her damning expression. “Yes, well… I’m sorry. I should have called. I’ve been busy.”

I couldn’t believe how she was being with me but I was wary about being too forceful. I knew full well where that had gotten me with Jimmy and my boss. Despite my initial anger with her, that had drained away to leave me feeling insecure and timid. “I’m sorry to hassle you,” I said, “but you did say we could swap bodies again today. I did you this as a favour. I didn’t say you could have my life forever.”

It felt odd saying that. She didn’t have my life; she had her life. It was weirdly contradictory. I knew I used to be Rose but having no memory of it made demanding it back an odd prospect. For a start, I was nowhere near confident enough to be somebody like her. She was so much cleverer than me. I didn’t have a hope of being able to do her job or act like her. I wondered if I should even withdraw my demand.

“I understand you’re upset Pam,” she said. “You really did me a favour letting me become you. Seriously.”

I nodded, feeling glad about that.

“I’ve really enjoyed being Rose. I don’t even remember being you anymore. It’s uncanny. But look, I’ve been thinking about it and the idea of becoming you is… well it’s a bit peculiar. I don’t think I’d like it. No offence.”

I frowned. “What do you mean?”

“Just that… Look, how about we just stay this way for now; not necessarily forever – though I’d prefer that – but maybe for a month or two? Possibly longer.”

“A month?” My way of thinking had changed so much already. I might not even remember being Rose twenty four hours from now.

“It would be a real favour to me,” she said. “You’d be such a good friend.”

I hesitated. I wanted to swap back but I really valued Rose’s friendship. That was so important to me. I didn’t want to let her down and a month or two wouldn’t make too big a difference. I’d been like this all my life. What would two more months hurt? Or longer? There wasn’t any real hurry and there was also the fact that I didn’t think I would be able to cope being her. She was too larger than life; too vivacious. I just wasn’t like that. I was shy and retiring.

The truth was that I didn’t think I’d want to swap back after all that time. I wasn’t sure I wanted it now.

“Do you still remember how to do it?” I asked. “The swap?”

She looked off, mystified for a minute, then nodded. “Yeah. Just about.”

Though how long the dream memories would last was anybody’s guess. Dreams had a way of fading from the mind. Either way, she was the only one who recalled the words. She had full control.

“I would rather change back now Rose,” I said.

The smile melted from her face and her eyes hardened. The pleasantness disappeared.

“Uh, you know, if you don’t mind,” I added.

“Yeah, that’s not going to work right now Pam,” she replied, turning to go. “Sorry but I’m enjoying myself too much. I asked you a favour. I’m a bit pissed off you can’t be bothered to do it. It isn’t as though it would cost you anything.”

Cost me anything? I felt as though it had already cost me everything! But I didn’t say that.

“Rose, please can we just talk about it?”

She stepped away and looked back. “I’m with someone right now Pam. I don’t have time. I’ll call you sometime, alright?”

“Oh. Okay. Fine. I understand. I’ll ring you tonight,” I said. “We can talk about it then.”

“I wish you wouldn’t,” she replied. “I’m sorry to be a cow about it but I’m just so disappointed in you. I thought we were better friends than this but you don’t even want to do me this favour.”

“What? Wait. Please.”

“I might call you in a week or two,” she said. She maintained eye contact for a moment longer and then walked away.

I stood there watching her return to her table, staggered by what she had said.

I looked down at myself; at my uniform; then I looked back up at her. She was already seated again, laughing with her man. She’d forgotten I was even there.

I didn’t think she would call me. She was really angry at me. I thought I’d probably blown our friendship.

I shouldn’t have pressed her. I’d been really wrong to do that. Of course she wouldn’t want to become me. Who would? And I shouldn’t have been so selfish. She had so many friends. She didn’t need one who would let her down so badly.

I sighed heavily and left the pub through the front door out onto the street.

I had a feeling that I wouldn’t see Rose again and maybe that was for the best. I couldn’t very well expect her to swap her good life for my shit one. Nobody would choose to do that unless it was for a very short period. Even then it would be too risky. I had to reconcile with the fact it wasn’t going to happen.

But that wasn’t too hard to do. My life wasn’t that bad. True, I wasn’t great looking but my hair was a nice style and I had a pretty good fashion sense. My glasses really suited me. And I had Jimmy. He was great. I couldn’t wait to get home and make his tea for him.

I started walking toward the bus station.

Sometimes I wished my boss was nicer to me and I that I wasn’t in so much debt, but considering how little potential they’d said I had at school, I’d done alright for myself. My flat with Jimmy was way better than anywhere I could get on my own, even if it was a bit messy.

I hummed to myself as I walked, starting to feel a bit better. I had the day off tomorrow. Maybe I’d have a lie in and then walk round the market. That would be nice.

I had my whole life stretching out ahead of me. It was stupid to be grumpy. It was like that proverb my mum always used to say before the cancer got her: God, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

This was my life. I’d lived it since I was born. I was going to live it until I died.

Nothing could change that. I just had to get used to it.




This story is one of six stories in the compilation, A New You: Volume 4 by Emma Finn, a book of transformation and body swap stories available on Amazon, iBooks, Barnes & Noble and Smashwords.

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