IN NOCKTON VALE: Man Wanted - Chapter Eight & Epilogue

[EmmaFinn]

Chapter Eight

A Man & His Woman

1

I blazed down the hill to Chauncy centre them braked hard on the cusp of the mini roundabout, only realising then how furious I was.

I hammered on the steering wheel with my fist then hammered on it again. I didn’t know where I was going. I knew where I had intended to go when I’d left the house as a woman, but now I was a man again I was nothing but confused.

Further down the hill straight on was the top end of Breton and Billy’s hotel. That was where I had meant to go. But I was utterly conflicted now and couldn’t get Sangeeta’s face from my mind, the shock I'd seen there when she’d realised the secret I’d kept from her from the beginning.

I snarled and turned the wheel hard right, ignoring the route down toward town. Instead I cut through the suburbs to where Chauncy merged with Deerbarrow and cut down to the ring road there. I didn’t even look left toward Breton when I reached the Ockham roundabout. I made a right and powered down the main road, getting angrier and angrier as I wound myself up.

I’d made a mess of everything. I’d ruined both my lives. Everything was in a tangle now and I had no idea of the way forward.

I got off the main road and took the narrow road up toward the ridgeline. There had been a fair amount of traffic on the ring road but up there, there was none. The lane only went to one place and this late at night it was long since closed, but I needed some space and distance to think. I needed silence and solitude.

The road flattened as it turned to follow the ridge. There were farmer’s fields to my right now, open and spacious, and to my left the hill dropped sharply down to the Heights and the deepening valley. I followed it straight as far as it ran, the gates of Crackshaw, the old stately home. There was a lay-by there outside the gates and I pulled into it. There might have been other cars there – teenagers causing trouble – but there weren’t. It was empty.

I parked up pointing across the valley and got out, still fuming. I leant against the front of the van and looked down across the town. It was a clear night. The U-shaped valley was filled with glittering lights. I could see every district laid out, the contoured bumps of Hillfort and Breton. I could see the old Abbey ruins on their mound in Howekirk and even the castle, all the way down by the river. On the opposite ridgeline, the lights of the Oliver Spragg glimmered merrily, punters inside no doubt drinking their livers dry.

The sounds were muted. The detachment I’d craved was right here. It was peace. But in that peace my thoughts jabbered and moaned, filling my head with an internal noise.

Why was my life so complicated? Why couldn’t it be simple? And it had been simple once, when I'd been with Billy. Everything had been laid out before us.

Ever since we’d broken up, it had all gone to crap. My life was a turmoil of disaster and empty promises, and none worse than this life I'd found here in Nockton Vale as a man. It had all come together so perfectly. I’d become the perfect man with a career that wasn’t failing; a lover who obviously cared about me. It was like all my dreams come true.

But it was a lie. I wasn’t a man. I couldn’t be a man.

Except with the ring on, that wasn’t exactly true. I was a man right now.

I looked down at the ring on my closed fist, gripping my wrist.

The transformation was trickling on, even now. And pretty soon it would be sealed forever. I would have changed so much on the inside, when I took it off there would be no difference between the ringless me and the ringed me.

I could be Geoff forever, with Sangeeta by my side and a great new business and life here in my hometown.

Except I’d ruined even that now. Because Sangeeta had seen me change. She knew it was all an illusion. She knew the man she was falling for was nothing but a woman in disguise.

I slipped off the ring and in a welter of tiny fireworks became myself again up there in the darkness, and then I sagged against the van, feeling weak.

I had actually been considering remaining a man for the rest of my life. But surely it was for the best that the decision had been taken away from me. Sangeeta would never want me now. And besides, I had Billy waiting for me.

Billy; at long last. How much I'd ached to hear the words he’d spoken this evening. I'd hoped so dearly that he would come to miss me and realise his mistake; that he’d come and find me and say he was willing at last to try again. It was all I ever wanted.

I would be a fool to turn away from that now, so close to achieving my dream.

I looked out across the valley and then drew back my hand, the ring tightly clenched in it, ready to hurl it out into the night, impossible to find again.

I tensed my arm, readying myself.

Then I closed my eyes and lowered my head, letting my hand fall loosely back to my thigh, the ring still caught in it.

I truly had no idea which path I should choose.

But I realised something.

I realised that I couldn’t know until I'd faced Billy as myself; as Alison.

I had to go to him and listen to what he had to say. Only when I looked into his eyes would I know whether I could bear to let him in again and carry me away into that wonderful life of burning passion.

Only then would I know how this was all going to end.

 

2

Making up my mind and actually going down there were two different things but I'd made the decision now and only time and distance lay between us.

Now that I was Alison again, strangely, I didn’t feel any of the usual masculine hangover. As before it was entirely non-existent. I wondered why, but I had a feeling that I knew the answer; that it was obvious.

Becoming Geoff had been an escape from my dead end life and my personal problems. It had been an escape from my own weakness, and it had been an escape from the one problem I had repressed above all others: my longing for Billy.

Retaining the masculine traits had given me a lure to go back; an excuse to not mind running away from my femininity. But I didn’t need to run away anymore.

Billy was back now and he wanted me again. I was going to regain everything I'd ever desired.

But I was worried; afraid after so long that I would mess it up somehow. I was reluctant to rush straight down there. What if I said the wrong thing and drove him away? I didn’t want to appear too needy or desperate, but at the same time I was desperate.

I didn’t know what to do.

But I had to do something. I couldn’t stay up on the ridgeline forever. Billy was waiting for me.

It was decided. I went round to the driver’s door and clambered in with difficulty; started up the gravelly engine and backed round and onto the lane. Then I hit the accelerator and darted off.

It didn’t take too long for me to get back down into the houses and onto the upper ring road. I worked my way back west, imagining what it would be like to see him again; to maybe touch him and cling onto him.

I got to the outskirts of Breton and worked my way in. I had a vague idea where the Old Squire was but nothing too specific. It took me quarter of an hour driving round to spot it. It was close to the edge of the narrows, only a stone’s throw from the market stall that had sold me the ring. It was an old timbre-framed building at least twice the age of every other building in sight. I imagined it standing alone on the hill in days gone by as the town emerged from the ground about it.

The lights inside were dim, the colours dark and muted – exposed beams criss-crossed the ceiling – but they had still managed to ruin the atmosphere somehow with the modern admission desk and glass doorway leading through to the bar restaurant. The words, Dining at the Old Squire were stencilled on the glass. And it had showed such promise...

It was fairly spacious through there, an area clearly used to lay on breakfasts for overnight guests. There was a bar and clusters of tables. The menus were ostentatious; clearly pricing themselves high. I didn’t need to look inside. A sprinkling of diners were present but I couldn’t see Billy among them. I fingered the ring in my handbag nervously.

Then I saw him, sitting at the bar alone on a high stool and my body became absolutely wracked by nerves. And even as I saw his handsome profile with a woman’s eyes for the first time in months, he glanced toward the door and caught sight of me. Immediately, his posture changed and his face brightened, eyes capturing what dim light there was and shining with it. He smiled and beckoned, but I didn’t go to him; not yet. This close to him I couldn’t. I wanted it too much. My mind was blazing with images of our imagined reunion; the fantasies I'd played out in my mind hundreds of times after he left. I'd pictured it so many different ways that now that I was here and he really did want me again, I didn’t know which route to take.

Billy didn’t wait for me. He climbed down off his stool, standing there for a moment. We locked eyes and he looked so beautiful to me. He had always had an elven charm to him, a litheness, totally different from the brawny Geoff. My eyes drew tears along their edges, blurring the lights into stars and drawing the darkness about him to that only he was visible to me.

I beamed with delight, mouthing his name and stepping forward. Billy raised his arms from his sides a little and opened them, palms toward me. I stepped closer again, laughing a little, I was so happy.

Then I was running suddenly, tears streaming down my cheeks and he raised his arms as I crashed into him.

 

3

It felt wonderful to be back in Billy’s arms; so familiar: the scent of him; the feel of his lean arms about me. It was like every dream I had had of this moment coming true and no awful waking up to ruin it. He was mine. All mine! And I was never going to let him go again!

“Oh, I missed you Billy,” I said, still crying. “I missed you so much.”

He chuckled. “I missed you too Sweetcheeks. It wasn’t the same without you.”

I pressed my face to his chest, gripping him as tightly as I could. This reunion was so perfect that I couldn’t bear the embrace ending. I wanted the moment to go on all night and all the next day; for weeks and weeks and weeks; until I felt at last I could let him go. But he stroked my arm and gave it a little pat and I withdrew, looking up into his face.

“What happened to all your hair?” he asked, smiling wryly.

“Do you hate it?”

“No, actually. I love it. It suits you better. You should keep it like that.”

“Really?”

“Uh huh. Sure. It doth become thee my lady.” He bowed, making me giggle, but for some reason that giggle of mine broke the spell just for a second and I remembered the months of loneliness. I remembered weeping. I recalled holding the phone with both hands, eyes red raw from crying, begging him to come back to me. And surely he saw that in my face because he frowned and said, “What is it?”

“Nothing,” I replied. “It doesn’t matter.”

He took my chin in his first finger and thumb, tilting my face up to look at him and the tears that had been brewing in my eyes brimmed over and trailed away. “You were always the most beautiful girl in the world to me, you know,” he said.

“Really?” I wiped my eye.

“Uh huh. And I’m so sorry that I lost you.”

He held my gaze and then slowly lowered his face to mine; held it there, poised, our lips almost touching.

I closed my eyes, lifting myself on my tips and felt that perfect connection again as if no time had passed between us; no tears or anger; no loss. I lost myself in it. His arms didn’t fold around me. He went on lightly touching my chin. And then we broke that connection and I opened my eyes and his beautiful features filled my field of view.

The corners of his mouth turned up in a sad smile and he said, “Let me buy you a drink. Okay? There are some things that I need to say to you and if you can stand my company, I'd love it if you could listen.”

I nodded.

“White wine?”

I nodded again.

Billy placed the order and while we waited he gave me a warm smile; his old smile; the one that had made me fall in love with him.

“Are you hungry?”

“No.” I thought briefly of the meal with Sangeeta; of her face and her smile and her tender kisses, then looked again on Billy and made myself put her out of my mind.

It gave me a twinge of guilt to do that, but this was Billy, come back to me. It was everything I'd wanted. I had to at least listen to him and hear what he had come here to say.

“Would you like to find a table?”

I shrugged. “Okay.”

He led the way carrying the drinks and I followed. It was in a corner away from the door and the bar, the lights down low. He sat first and I took the chair to his side, rather than opposite. My stomach was full of butterflies again.

When we were settled, Billy took my hand on the tabletop and looked at me earnestly. “You should hate me,” he said. “I let you down when you really needed me. All I thought about was myself.”

I let him go on.

“When I lost my job... I went a little crazy I guess. I lost a lot of my confidence. I looked for someone else to blame – anyone but myself. I was... Well I was terrible to you. I didn’t look after you. I could tell you needed me but... back then... I didn’t have the willpower to provide you with what you needed.” He gave a tall shrug. “There isn’t any excuse for it.”

He took a sip of his beer and I watched him, unsure how to react; how he expected me to react.

“Then when you went away; when your parents died; I started thinking about what I’d given up. When you weren’t there anymore I finally saw this gigantic hole in my life and realised what I'd thrown away. The more I thought about it, the more I realised I’d made a mistake, but I felt so bad about what had happened, I didn’t think you could ever forgive me. That’s why I didn’t come right away.

“But I couldn’t get you out of my mind. Every day I thought about what an idiot I'd been and how much I needed you, but even then I knew you could never forgive me... for what I did... with Tia.”

My neck tightened at the mention of the name and I gave a little involuntary shake of my head.

“In the end,” he said, “I realised that it didn’t matter if you... rejected me. I couldn’t live my whole life wondering what could have happened if I'd come back here. I had to come and take my chance with you; just give you my heart and hope that you would take it back.”

He put his other hand on top of mine and held my gaze. “I’m so sorry I let you down Alison. I love you so very much... I know you could never forgive me for what I did but I was hoping you could at least give me a chance to explain.”

I lowered my face and then gently but firmly withdrew my hand from his grip. “Are you still seeing Tia?”

“No. Of course not. No. I haven’t even spoken to her for ages. It ended a long time ago; as soon as I realised that I’d made a mistake with you. I only wish it had never happened. I was such an idiot. I ruined everything.”

“And all you want is for us to get back together?”

He nodded. “We’re still married officially. There’s nothing to stop us going straight back to how it was.”

That tightening came again in my neck. “I don’t know Billy. There’s been so much water under the bridge. How can I ever trust you... after what happened?”

“I’ll have to earn it,” he said. “Every day I’ll do everything I can to show you that I love you and I always will.”

I shook my head. It was so perfect. It was everything I'd longed for.

“Please,” said Billy, taking my hand again. “Give me one more chance. You won't regret it, I swear.”

My whole body wanted to take his face in my hands and kiss him but I had to resist. I had to go slow. Suddenly I was hyperaware of the moments; the sensations I was feeling; the trickle of moisture on my glass; the low hubbub of conversation around us. Billy sitting so close to me.

“I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything. I know how you’ve felt; how hard it’s been for you. I know that the very idea of letting me back into your life must terrify you. I understand; I really do. All I’ve done since you left Coventry is think about you; feel guilty for what happened between us and how it ended. I’ve put myself in your shoes a thousand times and kicked myself for what I did to you. All I can say is I’m sorry. I just lost my way after the redundancy. I questioned myself and my ability. I questioned us. All my plans had been ruined and I got so down that I let it ruin what should have been the most important thing in my life.” He stroked my cheek. “You.”

There was silence again and then I said, “What did you think was going to happen: that I'd take you straight back? That we could go back to living as husband and wife after everything that’s happened?”

He shook his head. “Of course not. Not right away. But maybe... yeah... in time. If you’ll have me.” He gave me a nervous but hopeful smile and my heart thawed a little.

“I’ve wanted you back,” I said. “I needed you. I could barely live without you. It hurt so much I had to live like we’d never met; just put you so far out of my mind that you didn’t even exist anymore.”

“I know baby. I’m so sorry. I wish I could take it all back and go back to how things used to be.”

“But we can’t,” I said. “Those days are gone.”

“You’re right,” he replied. “I know you're right.”

“But... maybe there is some hope. Maybe if you really mean what you’re saying we could start to work towards a resolution.”

He brightened. “Do you really think so?”

“I don’t know,” I said. “I need time to digest this. It’s too much, too fast. I need to sleep on it.”

“But you are considering it.” He grinned. “That’s wonderful!” He kissed me, pressing into me and his eyes were alight as he pulled away. “You won’t regret this Alison. I swear. It’s going to work out.”

I raised my glass to my lips and drank, then I laid it back down and looked back at him; then frowned. He wasn’t looking at me, he was looking over my shoulder and across the restaurant.

“What is it?” I asked.

He gestured. “Isn’t that your brother’s girlfriend? The Indian girl?”

My heart thumped in my chest. The blood ran from my face. I was lightheaded suddenly. I couldn't catch my breath.

And then I turned and I saw her standing there in the glass doorway, her hair tossed from haste, her eyes blazing.

She was looking right at me. At us.

I didn't dare to move. I was locked in fear.

Then she took a step toward us.

And then she took another.

 

4

Sangeeta looked just as beautiful as she ever had but the expression on her face was one I had never seen before, constructed from mistrust and doubt and scepticism, and maybe a little righteous anger.

She was hesitant in her approach, eyes flitting from me to Billy and back again, but she put one foot in front of the other then did it again.

I got to my feet, the movement, rather than my hands, pushing my chair back with a clatter.

“Alison?” said Billy. “You okay? What’s wrong?”

Sangeeta was a third of the way across and she was still coming.

I looked back at Billy. “Just give me a minute.” He started to rise. “Wait here. I’ll be right back.”

Billy raised both palms. “Take your time.”

I stepped toward Sangeeta and my motion stopped hers. Seconds passed as we looked at one another across the expanse, the beams crowding low above our heads, then when I saw her start to move again I closed the distance rapidly.

“Sangeeta...”

“Who are you?” she said, her voice metallic; face drawn.

“I can explain.”

“Did I see what I thought I saw?”

“Come outside and I’ll tell you.” I took her arm but she shrugged me off.

“Who’s he?” She pointed with her chin.

I didn’t answer.

“Is he your husband?”

“Sangeeta, please...”

“Just tell me what the hell is going on here.”

I looked into her eyes and then nodded simply and said, “Okay. I will. I promise. Just come outside with me.”

She held her glare on me and then threw a slice of it at Billy. Then she said, “Alright. Outside. Now.”

She turned her back on me and walked to the door. I followed her with a brief glance back at Billy, watching from his seat, mystified.

Sangeeta descended the step onto the pavement there at the corner of the road and turned to face me, folding her arms. I stopped in the doorway, unsure of myself, then joined her outside.

We neither of us spoke at first. There weren’t any conventional words to broach a topic like this. Then very quietly, Sangeeta repeated, “Did I see what I thought I saw?”

I held her gaze and then nodded. “I know it’s crazy. I wouldn’t have believed it, except...”

“You have to believe something impossible if it happens right in front of you.”

“Yeah... Exactly.”

She glared at me. I couldn’t imagine what was going through her mind but I could start to guess. Because it wasn’t as simple as the thing itself: whether Geoff and I were one and the same... There was all this other mess tangled up in it. And there was her life falling apart around her as well; something I understood all too intimately.

“I’ve heard stories,” she said. “About this town.”

I shrugged.

“When I’m doing nails. I’ve heard stuff. Similar stuff. Crazy stuff.”

“I don’t know,” I said. “I can’t explain it.”

“And so you and Geoff are... You’re one person?”

I nodded.

“A man and a woman.”

“Yes.”

“But you're so different. How can that be?”

“I change,” I said. “When I’m him I act like a man. I think like a man. Then when I become myself again... I know it’s weird. If it didn’t keep happening to me then I wouldn’t believe it.”

Her face went blank for a moment of fugue and then clicked back. “That ring. Geoff’s ring. The one I touched – that gave me the electric shock...”

I nodded again.

“I almost put it on.” She frowned. “What would have happened if I had?”

“I don’t know,” I said. “I’ve only ever worn it myself.”

“Where did you get it?”

“It doesn’t matter. From the market. It’s not some family heirloom or anything. It’s just a fluke. There’s no secret destiny or anything. It just happened and this was the result. This awful mess.”

She let her arms drop to her sides. “Then what’s real? Who were you originally? Are you the original person, or is Geoff?”

“Me,” I said, and her face fell into sorrow. “I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t,” she snapped. “You lied to me.”

“I know.”

“Everything was a lie.”

“I know.”

“The time we spent together when you were Geoff – you coming to see me in town as a woman. God! None of it was real!”

“No,” I said. “It was real. All of it was.”

She turned away from me. “Don’t add more lies to what you’ve already told.”

“I’m not.” I touched her arm and she pulled free again. “I swear I’m not Sangeeta. I never meant for any of it to happen but it was all true. The first time I put on the ring was an accident; I was just experimenting. Then I met you and one thing kept leading on to the next. I was enjoying myself too much to stop, even though I knew I had to. I hated that I was leading you on, but no matter how many times I pulled away I couldn’t... I couldn’t stay away. I just wanted to see you.”

She stared off and then folded her arms again. “What does it matter now anyway? Look at you. You’re a woman. You’ve always been a woman. We’ve been doomed from the beginning. You were never going to keep the ring on.”

She started to walk away but stopped when I said, “I was.”

She looked back at me. “What?”

“I was... I was thinking about it. About keeping it on. Just staying Geoff. Staying with you. I think... I think I was falling in love with you.”

Tears came to her eyes but didn’t fall.

“Not just as Geoff... as a man. Just in love with you. Whoever I was; man or woman.”

She didn’t say a thing. I didn’t know what else I could say. “And then your husband came and he wants you back,” she said.

“Yes.” I closed my eyes. “Billy came back to me and all those hopes I’d treasured – that passion I told you about... He wants to be together again. He wants things to go back to the way they were.”

She wrapped her arms round herself. The tears still wavered in her eyes, unspilled. “You can’t say no to that.”

My own tears were coming again. I didn’t know what to say to make it all better; to find the right path for everyone. It was all too impossible.

“I do understand,” she said. “Oddly. I do. Even if none of it seems real. I don’t blame you. Not really. How could you know how to act and feel with all this craziness?”

“I’m so sorry,” I said.

“But you’ll understand that I have to walk away.”

I shook my head.

“Things have been going wrong for me for a long time. This crap with Rasheed and my business and now my father coming to set me straight... These are just the last things in a long line of disastrous situations.” She sighed. “Maybe I should go back to London. Or back to India. My father has lived a lot longer than me. Surely he knows more than I do. Maybe he’s right. Maybe he’s always been right.”

“Sangeeta...”

“You’ve got your man back Alison. Your dream has come true. That’s all that matters.”

“But you...”

“Don’t worry about me. I’ll survive one way or another; I always do.” She tried a smile but the flex of her cheeks spilled the tears at last and they trickled down to her chin.

“This isn’t how I wanted it to end,” I said. “I was going to keep the ring–”

“Don’t,” she said. “It doesn’t matter now. It’s over.” She chuckled sadly. “It never really happened.” She turned her back on me. “I’ll seeya.”

“Sangeeta, wait.” I stepped after her.

“Goodbye,” she said and didn’t look back.

 



5

I walked back into the hotel feeling just as awful as Billy must have felt when he walked away from our marriage, and I realised, in my way, I was just as bad as him.

I had thought I was a better person when I was a man but I was just as bad as any of them. I’d been worse. Everything about me as Geoff was a lie. I had lied and lied and lied and lied.

But... in other ways... I had told the truth more fully as Geoff than I ever had as myself.

It was unnatural and it was wrong. I had been born a woman. That was the life that had been intended for me. It didn’t matter how much it hurt to see Sangeeta walk away from me or to hear her bitter words.

I had made the right choice; the only choice that made rational sense.

I went back through the glass doors and made my way across to the bar. Billy saw me and came to join me.

“Are you okay? What happened? What did she want? Was she looking for Geoff?”

“Yeah,” I said. “She was looking for Geoff. But she couldn’t find him.”

“Do you know where he’s gone?”

“Yes,” I replied. “He’s gone away.”

“Gone where?”

I turned to him. “Can you fetch my handbag? I want to buy another drink.”

“Sure. I think we both could do with one.”

I motioned to the barmaid to draw her over. “Can I have a beer please?”

“Sure. Heineken okay?”

“Yeah. Thanks. Whatever.”

Billy returned with my bag and said to the barmaid, “I’ll have a bottle of Bulmers if you got it.”

I got my purse out and cracked it open. In the side pocket, the ring was peeping out, the carven runes on its surface glistening darkly. I stared at it long enough for the barmaid and Billy to notice I'd gone into a trance.

“Hey,” chuckled Billy, clicking his fingers near my face. “You still with us?”

“No,” I said.

“Huh?” He chuckled again.

I looked at him. “No Billy. I don't want to be with you.”

He gaped at me. “What? What are you talking about?”

“I can’t be with you Billy. I’m sorry.”

“But... I explained what happened. I apologised. I said that we could work things out.”

I shook my head. “Some things, you can’t apologise for. Some things happen and you can’t come back from it. Ever. It doesn’t matter how much you want to.” I regarded him levelly. “You had your chance with me Billy. But you blew it. And now it’s over.”

“But... I drove all the way from Coventry!”

I laughed. “Is that all you can say?”

“We can sort stuff out Ali; really. You don’t have to be like this. I swear we can put the past behind us and build a new life. What we had together; you have to admit it was priceless; right?”

“It was good,” I said. “But it was all just fireworks and flash. There wasn’t any substance. And I was so wrapped up in it I thought it was what I needed. I got so used to it; attached to it; that I thought I'd shrivel up alone if I couldn’t keep hold of it. It took you coming back here to break the spell. That’s the crazy thing. If you hadn’t come back I might have gone on doting after you until my grave. Now, I look at you and I just see some skinny runt who thinks he’s God’s answer to women.”

“Hey!”

“I see a little man who doesn’t deserve to be with me.”

“But... But...” He floundered, wrong-footed, and I quietly smiled.

“Goodbye Billy,” I said.

“Wait,” he said. “Just hang on a second. We can work things out. We can still sort things. It isn’t unfixable. I can change my ways; I swear.”

“You know what we’re doing here?” I asked.

“What?”

“We’re wasting precious seconds. Of my life. Seriously. It’s over Billy. I’m leaving. You can pay for the drinks yourself.”

I turned to go.

“Just wait a second,” he said. “There was something else.”

I paused.

“Something I was going to wait and ask you in a few days... Though I guess I might as well... Will you listen?”

I looked back over my shoulder.

“Just that...” He tried to collect his thoughts and then blundered on. “I have this business opportunity; a real chance to get back on my feet and start bringing in some cash again; and I was thinking how we could pool our resources and go into it together.” He attempted a weak smile. “It was kind of a surprise. To show you how serious I am about us.”

“Pool our resources?”

“Yes.”

“You mean I sell my parents’ house and give you the money?”

“Er... I wouldn’t have said it like that, but.... yeah.”

I laughed. I laughed long and I laughed loudly.

“What?”

I went on laughing, only gradually taking a hold of myself, then I burst out laughing again.

“What’s so funny?”

I calmed myself. “You are a tosspot Billy; you really are.”

“Huh?”

“Did you really manage to persuade yourself that you came here for me? Or were you blatantly trying to rip me off?”

“No. Of course not! I really really love you!”

I chuckled. “Yeah. Right. I believe you. Like I believe you aren’t seeing Tia anymore.”

“I’m not.”

“Really?”

“No.”

“Okay then. Show me your phone. Your recent calls list. You said you hadn’t talked to her for ages. The phone will be the proof, right?”

Billy pressed his lips together, his face turning scarlet.

“Just as I thought.” I went to leave.

“Wait Ali. Please. I know you aren’t ready to get back together. I understand that. Really. But I’m... I’m in a lot of debt and it would really help me out if you could reconsider that business proposition. It’ll make you a mint; I promise. And maybe we could still work things out.”

I kept walking.

“Ali, please! I’ll be ruined without you. I need you!”

I stopped in the doorway and looked back. “No Billy,” I said. “What you need is to go and fuck yourself.”

 

6

I ran out of the front of the hotel and into the street and looked the way Sangeeta had gone.

The road was empty.

I looked each of the other ways. No one at all was in sight.

Cursing my idiocy, I ran down the street, thanking God I was wearing flats. At the next junction I looked both ways but couldn’t see Sangeeta anywhere. I knew she lived somewhere in Breton but I didn’t know where and the district was a maze of streets almost as slender as the Narrows themselves.

To the right there was another corner after only thirty yards. I ran to that and peered round but there was only a pair of old men walking toward me.

With no other alternative I went back to the previous junction and hurried down, but I was quickly becoming hopeless. I was never going to be able to find her. But I had to. I had to talk to her and set things straight. Every minute she was away from me would make her hate me even more.

I ran to the next turning and looked up there but she was nowhere to be seen.

“Screw this,” I muttered and threw my head back. “SANGEETA!” I called. “SANGEETA! WHERE ARE YOU?”

I circled in the middle of the crossroads, calling up to the sky. “SANGEETA! SANGEETA! SANGEETA!”

A couple walked past, looking at me strangely, but I didn’t care. All that mattered now was undoing this colossal screw-up.

“SANGEETA!”

“I can hear you.”

I span round to face her voice and saw her leaning in a doorway only a few yards away, stairs behind her leading to the flat above. Her arms were folded and her face was closed.

“Oh. Thank God,” I gasped. “I was afraid...”

“That you’d lost me?” she asked. “Well here’s a news flash. You did.”

I hung my head. “I’m so sorry Sangeeta. I messed up. I messed up everything, right from the start of this.”

“Yeah. You did.”

“I just... didn’t know how to tell you what was happening to me and I liked you too much. I kept pulling away and that was why: because I hated lying to you and leading you on somewhere that I knew I couldn’t keep going to. I knew I couldn’t stay a man for the rest of my life.”

She continued to glare at me but the glare softened some and then she nodded. “I guess I understand. If it had happened to me...”

“You can’t... You probably can’t conceive of what it was like putting this ring on and having everything about me change; even my personality.” I pulled it from my bag and held it up. “It was like I was a totally different person. And it was addictive to become this strong willed man who could get things done, rather than the slightly pathetic woman I’d been the rest of my life; always meaning to do better but never quite getting round to it. It was the best thing that had ever happened to me. But it was also the worst. Because each time I put on the ring, reality was shifting more and more; erasing who I used to be and making me not want to go back.”

“You don't have to explain it.”

“I do. Sangeeta, I do; because it was only ever meant to be a weird, wild ride; a chance to experience life how the other half does. But... then I met you. And it was another fluke. It wasn’t meant to happen. I just happened to be there to completely and utterly make a mess of rescuing you.”

Sangeeta chuckled.

“And despite my very best intentions, I just got drawn to you until I couldn't stop. Until I realised I wanted to be with you... always.”

“Even if it meant you being trapped as a man?”

“Even if.”

Sangeeta tightened the fold of her arms. “But then your husband came back.”

“Yes. And for a little bit of time, that desperate need I'd had for him overcame anything else and I would have gone anywhere and done anything for him. And he would have taken my money and used me and thrown me away. And I still would have wanted him.”

I stepped closer to her.

“But then you came. And suddenly everything that Billy had meant to me meant nothing anymore. That spell he had over me was broken forever.”

She released her arms to her sides but didn’t speak. It seemed that she couldn’t.

“Suddenly I knew that all that feeling I'd had for him all that time; it hadn’t been love. It never had been. It had been infatuation; fascination; obsession. Nothing more. And I knew that because I knew what love was finally. Because I was feeling it for the first time.”

Sangeeta stepped down onto the pavement.

“I love you Sangeeta,” I said. “I love you like I’ve never known before. And I know I’ve screwed things up, and I know it’s all wrong and messed up and crazy. I know it’s all kind of unbelievable. But I want you and I want to be with you, for always.”

Sangeeta didn’t move. “Who?”

I frowned in query.

“Who is saying that to me?” she asked. “You, Alison... or Geoff?”

Without a second’s thought, I put the ring on my finger and it slid on more easily and comfortably than it ever had before. And as my form swelled and grew, as my chest broadened and my height expanded, it felt like I was coming home.

“Both of us,” I said. “We’re both the same person; just two different aspects of who I am.” I took her hands in mine. “But I’ve made my choice now. I know who I want to be with and I know which life I want to lead.” I stroked my finger down through her hair then caressed her shoulder. “This is me now, forever, if you’ll have me, and I’ll dedicate my life to making you the happiest woman on Earth.”

Sangeeta looked deeply into my eyes and smiled warmly, then she whispered, “Kiss me you idiot.”

And I did. And I wrapped her up in my arms and pressed her against me and the kiss went on and on; that perfect union again of man and woman.

It had never been so clear to me, what choice had to be made; and there was no regret in my mind as I lifted her into my arms and carried her up the stairs to her flat.

No doubt and no regret.

She was my woman at last; at long last; and I was most certainly her man.



 

Epilogue

And Sangeeta and I, basically, lived happily ever after. That’s all you need to know.

But if you’d like a little bit more detail then I’m happy to oblige. Life is good for me now; very good; and it just goes to show that sometimes the hardest and most painful decisions can lead to the greatest peace long-term.

I had thought it would be horrifying to give up my female body and identity, but it wasn’t really, once that decision was made.

Of course the thing that made this easiest was the effect of the ring.

It had always been the case that becoming Geoff had been entirely immersive. I’d been male in mind as well as body. This continued to be the case after I finally gave up on resisting and decided to live my man’s life to the full.

I still kind of remembered how happy I’d been to be a woman but the contentment I felt as Geoff was greater. Without wasting any more pointless energy I leapt into my new masculinity with passionate abandon. Getting the house sorted was only the work of a couple of weeks, and that was on top of building my contracting business from the ground up.

Word of mouth is a beautiful thing, and the ring had seen to it that my skills and credentials were first class. These things combined, started a steadily increasing trickle of business that slowly became a gush. Within a month I had two guys working for me. In three months I was sub-contracting a broad team of workmen and managing projects; placing my organisational skills and technical finesse exactly where it was most needed.

And my dad would have been proud. I got his old Morris Minor going at last. It needed quite a lot of parts but they weren’t too hard to requisition. Sangeeta and I use it to go out on jaunts at the weekend, or in the evening if I take her the long way round up to the Oliver Spragg for a drink.

Sangeeta and I are very happy. She gave up her flat after a few months and moved in with me at the house and she gave up her beauty booth. But we’re looking into renting a unit in a much more prominent position for her to set up a proper beauty parlour with a team of staff and a line of mirrored stations. She’s looking into the marketing now and sifting through CVs for her staff. My business is doing well enough to give us enough spare cash for the start-up. She’s got big plans for it and I am behind her every step of the way.

Things are going well for us and I still feel the same way I did on the night I declared my love for her. It’s a different kind of love from the needy desperation I had toward Billy. It’s more mature and more affectionate. It’s something that makes us both very happy and, I suspect, something that will last many many years.

But you may be wondering what happened in the end with regard to my transformation, and I can tell you that it did come to an end one day.

It was only days really before the slow slide of the reality shift finally did away with my former self. The letters stopped coming and the last of the female accoutrements around the house dematerialised. And not long after that it became clear that people didn’t quite remember I had a sister. I was good mates with John across the road by this time – I still am – and he was my test case. From time to time I would mention her name and as the weeks went on he seemed to remember her less and less; until one day he remembered her not at all.

I still remember her and I think I probably always will and; perhaps because she witnessed the transformation first-hand; Sangeeta remembers her too.

I think of her often, and Sangeeta and I chat about her sometimes; but we always speak and think of her fondly, with very little regret.

Of course I sometimes wonder “what if...” But Alison didn’t die. She turned into a man. I’m Alison. And I’m Geoff. And I’m very very happy.

It was four months since that last transformation that I dared to take the ring off, holding my breath in anticipation. And there wasn’t so much as a flicker of magical light. No transformation back at all.

I stayed a man; even when a day had gone by; and another.

I still wear the ring though. I like it. I probably always will.

Or maybe one day I’ll pass it on. Who knows?

But not everything was tied up perfectly. Some mysteries remain; and I doubt now if I’ll ever get to the bottom of them.

I had wondered what happened to Rasheed that night after he saw me change and then leave.

The way Sangeeta told it, after I'd gone, he tried to use the fact I was secretly a woman to wheedle his way back in. Until a quick knee in the groin set him straight on the matter.

That’s my girl. One of a kind.

Rasheed didn’t hang around and he didn’t even come back when Sangeeta’s father finally turned up.

And it was a trauma for Sangeeta to face up to her dad after so many years of feeling his disapproval. But she did it. And she laid it out to him exactly what she wanted from her life.

Me basically.

And to his credit, he did his best to understand... while disapproving his ass off.

I’m confident they’ll reconcile in time. I could see how much he loved her, even behind his glare. And he can see how happy she is.

No, Rasheed never turned up again. He didn’t even return to London. Sangeeta tried to look him up to show him there were no hard feelings but his friends hadn’t seen him since he left for Nockton Vale.

I can only hope he’s found somewhere else where he can be happy and live the kind of life he always wanted to. He was a dick, but I didn’t really have anything against the guy. I wish him exactly as much luck as he deserves.

And there’s a saying in Nockton Vale, that people always get what they deserve eventually.

Which makes me think of Billy – the infamous ex-husband; the bane of my life and the doorway into my new one.

I’m grateful to him in a way. Without him there being such an irritatingly charming cock I might never have had the courage to go through with things and take the plunge into my new life.

And that’s a plunge I’m so glad I decided to make.

There may be ups and downs along the way – that’s life – but I like to foresee good things for Sangeeta and me. I see marriage. I see handsome sons and beautiful daughters. I see long years of happiness and bliss. I see two thriving businesses and a happy couple who will stand by one another against anyone and anything that chooses to come up against them.

Which makes me think of poor Billy again. Because that is the other mystery.

He got back to Coventry to that whore of a mistress of his – I heard as much from old friends of Alison’s, now new friends of mine.

But both he and Tia vanished off the face of the earth right afterwards.

Where they went is a mystery I will never understand but maybe there’s truth in that other saying of Nockton Vale...

That you don’t come to this fair town of ours without leaving it changed.




Please leave a review!



For more of my stories, check out: http://transformation-stories.blogspot.co.uk/



And read my transformation novels on Amazon or Kobo by searching for Emma Finn

I will be releasing this book on there resonably soon alongside a mini-sequel describing what happens next to... certain characters.

[TheoW]

I really love this story. It's quite a bit of fun, has interesting characters and there are just not enough F2M TF stories out there that aren't body swaps. That and the ending is rather a happy one for everyone involved, which is nice to have now and then.

I'll have to pick up the book version when you publish it.

[EmmaFinn]

Thanks. I plan to release that in a few months alongside a mini sequel which shows what happens to those characters who... mysteriously disappeared.